Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights (and the American commercial equivalent of Christmas), is upon us. Starting at sunset on December 8, Jews around the world will celebrate with eight nights of candles, deep-fried potato pancakes, games of dreidel and gifts (only added to American Hanukkah in the first place so that kid wouldn't feel left out of all the Christmas money-spending insanity).
These eight nights are great for quality family time -- and pulling that DIY menorah you made during your fifth-grade Hebrew school class out of the basement -- but they’re also as good an excuse as any to have some more R-rated fun after said family time ends.
In the event that you have some sexy time during Hanukkah, make sure to follow these eight (clearly very scientific) rules.
1.Use your menorah to produce some romantic mood lighting. Since each night you add a candle, each night the lighting will change.
2.Always have sex before you make the latkes. Or at least make sure your hands and clothing are free of deep-fried residue before you go at it.
3.Play strip spin the dreidel. The Hebrew letter Gimel means take off all your clothes, Shin means put your clothing back on, Hei means take off half of your clothing and Nun means do absolutely nothing.
4.Use (non-cooking) oil in bed -- to give your partner a massage. The oil probably won’t last for eight days, but it will still be good holiday fun.
5.Find a way to incorporate chocolate gelt into your sex life every day of the holiday. Chocolate is an alleged aphrodisiac, after all.
6.Give your partner a gift each night ... preferably ones that can be purchased at Babeland or the like.
7.If you’re having sex for one, make sure to get some fantasy inspiration from the 2013 “Nice Jewish Guys” calendar. Your mom would be so proud.
8.Instead of smoking a postcoital cigarette (which we do not, in any way, encourage), eat a postcoital jelly donut. Way more delicious.
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