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8 Truths of Being a New Parent

Babies don't wear shoes. Ever.
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I'm eternally grateful for my ignorance about motherhood before having kids.

I naively thought, like everyone else I know, that parenthood was much different than it actually is, or that I was somehow exempt from the ubiquitous concerns I'd witnessed other people go through after having a baby.

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Date nights? (Insert cocky laughter.) Of course, we'll still have plenty of time to be a couple!

The thing is, we are all entitled to our hazy arrogance about what we have in store for us -- and, especially as the one uncomfortably carrying the baby around for the gestational period, I'm glad that I was such an unrealistic idiot, or, more accurately, that I had no real concept of what my reality would be.

That said, here are a few things to consider for anyone who does want a glimpse of what happened, for me at least, after baby arrived, as well as a few others I laugh about in retrospect.

1. Those damn baby mittens.

Don't buy those baby mitten things. Neither of my babies has ever worn those damn cotton mittens that my husband always thought were weird socks. I even kept them around when I was getting out the crate of baby clothes I'd saved from my first child, and my second baby still never wore them once.

2. Babies don't wear shoes. Ever.

And when they start to finally be ready for more than socks, they kick off every pair of shoes that gets put on. Stop throwing money away on shoes that will only look pretty on the dresser. Unless you like them as decorations.

3. It doesn't matter what your "post-baby body" looks like.

You just had a f*cking baby. Look at her instead of your stomach.

4. Babies don't need multiple Instagram filters or fancy bows to look cute.

5. It sounds fun to stay up and have a glass of wine with the husband.

Oh, look at the time -- it's after 10! Oh, sure, another glass of wine sounds lovely. [Baby crying at two in the morning, and then at four in the morning, and then at six when we finally get up...] Oh yeah, THAT's why we don't stay up late.

6. Fact: All kids eat kid food and listen to kid music.

7. Fact: Moms can occasionally abide by the "it's five o'clock somewhere" rule, because a little-known truth is that it was created for us.

8. Fact: It's absolutely true that it's utterly impossible to imagine how much you will love this tiny person.