Online dating is an art, and like any art you rarely ever create a masterpiece the first time you pick up a brush, or rather log on to a dating site for the first time. There are unwritten rules to this realm of online dating, many of which you’ll just have to pick up along the way and you massage your way into a persona of how you want to act and be viewed as an online dater. But in case you’re new to the game, or if you’ve been in it for a while and just want to know your simply not alone, here are some of the most common ‘unspoken rules’ of playing the online dating game.
1. Setting Up an Online Profile Is Taking Up A Full Time Second Job
… Until you make yourself non-single that is. So many sites, so many people, and so little time, all make online dating feel like something you have to fully commit yourself to, in order to get anywhere close to your desired results. You find yourself zoning out of conversations with friends and 5% phone battery is simply unacceptable so you find yourself upgrading to smart outlets and excess phone battery backup devices. And of course, reaching the status of not making online dating a full time job doesn't have to mean you enter a committed relationship anymore to take away from the time, frustration, and agony that goes into your first attempt on a dating site. Nowadays getting yourself over the initial hump and to the point you are simply a single, non-obsessive user will relieve you of some of the (addictive feelings of) these full time job responsibilities.
2. Tricks Aren't Just For Kids
Let's just say it: there's a fine line between dating sites and hook-up sites and regardless of which domain you are on, you're still going to deal with a little overlap in any online dating scenario. Your best bet is to have a good picture and and even better backbone. Go ahead and have a friend take some photos to find that perfect featured one. And, as per having a strong backbone, sometimes it’s best to simply fake it: Fake that sense of humor and non-disgust with inappropriate messages and pictures of him in his favorite running underwear all to maneuver your way through that dating or hookup site successfully.
3. Skepticism Is Your Emotional Life Jacket
I dare you, bold online dater you, to find a profile that is 100% accurate and honest– including pictures. It's not that online daters are bad people; it's simply that we tend to think better of ourselves than we actually are and innocently exaggerate traits about ourselves we personally view ourselves to have – such as social strengths – much more on paper than they manifest in person. Let’s look at the stats: On average men add 2 inches to their height and women subtract between 20 and 30 pounds from their weight, often by posting old, younger versions of themselves profile pictures.
But it's not all bad; I've fallen prey to walking in with negative pre-intention and with meeting someone with a only to find out they are more attractive – or gasp, are taller – than their profile dictates. Some actually funnier in person than over texts, dress better than they portray in their pictures, and properly know how to groom themselves with an electric razor, men's hair cream, and, gasp, even rather attractive, if not sense-altering, cologne.
4. Yes, Books Are Judged By Their Covers
Welcome to the library where books are judged by their covers (you are judged by your pictures) and first impressions, aka your profile pictures, mean close to everything. You get a split second and only so many characters in your bio to come up with something unique and creative that will catch that certain someone's attention as they look all the way down to the fold of the page - on their phone that is. And when it comes to profile pictures, for the record, those over contrasted, Instagram-filtered of photos, muscle flex photos, and multiple selfies are only deducting from your first impression brownie points reserve.
It’s best to get it right the first time. Set up that smart light bulbs to give yourself the perfect back-lighting to your selfies. Have a friend of the opposite sex review your bio to get an insider perspective. Even go as far as to take a few cues from others online daters in your shoes - aka look at the site your on from a guy’s profile point of view. Whatever measures you take, trust me, they’re not as far out of the book as others have done just to pass this initial phase.
5. Pick-Up Lines Are a Lost Art
Get ready to read 'Yo' and 'What's Up' more times in a given week that what you would hear watching BET for a month. Sure you’ll get some full sentences, and you’ll probably get some life bios with so many questions woven in the words it’d take a separate pen and paper to weed out all the questions and answer them properly. But for the most part you’re message greetings will barely graze the lines of a full sentence. (And men, some words of wisdom: You should make your initial message the same length as it would be if you spoke it out in person to a woman for the first time. For reference that means the length of your first initial message should be no shorter on your phone screen than about the length of your thumb-pad and no longer than three thumb-pads length - multiple paragraphs and especially questions are generally unnecessary.)
6. 'A/S/L?' Is Now 'J/L/H?'
Online profiles already tell us the ages, sexual identities, and locations of our potential partners and as so Internet conversations now follow a different, somewhat standardized route. First is job; yes it's in your profile but you'll get asked to elaborate or comment on it so many times it’s comparable to the same lines an actress must repeat (and repeat and repeat) her pitch to reporters and paparazzi while walking down the red carpet with a mic in attendance at the premiere of her first major movie. Let’s just it's an easy conversation starter, so, as if you were currently interviewing, it’s best to have an elevator speech in place with a little extra flirtatiousness thrown in the mix.
Next is location. Yes again this is in your profile and against all online-dating site 'suggested tips' you'll usually give some indication of the exact area you live in beyond the zip code you listed. It’s alright, sometimes it even helps you discover things you have in common with him, but just don’t take it so far as to elaborate on your location down to your day to day details - unless you’re in search of a stalker that is.
Finally, hometown; this may be more of a big city thing, but where you grew up lends itself to spark a conversations about your background and, yes, you guessed it, traveling. It's almost as though you need a passport just to make a profile. Online daters love to 'enjoy traveling' as a hobby and talk about where they have been across the globe like it's a rite of passage, that in which some kind of foursquare badge should be awarded.
7. In-App Messages Are Just Sprints to the Pass-Out-the-Number-First Line
Because phone calls don't exist anymore (or wait do they?) the absolute best part of dating online is coming up with some corny text to send the guy who just gave you his number. For reference you'll usually include the site you met on, which just quadruples the grace of your message (not). And of course you're name, because naturally no one is just talking to one 'Sarah' online at any given time.
8. Outside the App Mobile Dating Is the New Background Check
After all the e-winks, awkward first messages, question about your profession, background, and location, the messaging phase is far from over. No siree! You still have a round of before-the-date (or even invitation to a date experience) text messages to go, that usually come in unexpectedly and demand your attention at the most inconvenient times. No need to run a Google or Facebook search, you've provided your phone number, so you get one on one, or rather one screen to another, interaction all from which online daters use to find out the nitty-grittiest details about each other.
And while it may not be fair (not everyone is good at expressing themselves over text as they are in person), it comes with the online dating territory. Some even turn to the beloved Facetime, which basically makes you as vulnerable and exposed as him setting up a Wi-Fi security cam view into your home and personal life. Yes awkward ongoing text and video messaging is essentially a final challenge you must pass, usually with flying colors, before you finally get to meet him in person. (READ: Because giving him your time and attention on that dating site was hardly enough...) And accordingly, an unlimited data plan is basically a necessity for online dating these days.