8 Ways to Be Your Therapist's Favorite Patient

So you're in therapy and secretly or not-so secretly, you have taken your therapist on as a second mom or dad. Your therapist's advice is peppered throughout your conversations with friends like,
"Well my therapist said this..." or "Well my therapist really feels..." or "I asked my therapist about that and he/she..."

Suddenly, you and your therapist are one. Well, you're just slightly obsessed with his or her advice and kind of use this person as your mental life jacket, but the most important thing in all of this is:

Does your therapist like you? Does he/she like you more than the other patients?

No one likes to be number 2!

Here are 8 ways to be your therapist's favorite patient. That's right, number 1 baby!

1- Don't Be the Suicidal Patient
Suicidal patients are a real drag for a therapist. They call on weekends, late nights, and early mornings so the therapist has to interrupt his or her life or sleep to tend to a sh*tstorm. Suicidal patients make the therapist look bad--like a failure.
Don't reference any suicidal tendencies or actions. You won't be patient #1 if you do!

2- Crying Over the Ex-Boyfriend or Girlfriend
This is annoying for your therapist who already told you 1,500,560 times how your ex is a total jerk and loser. When you bring her or him up again, your therapist thinks you're not listening.

3- Abusers or Wife Beaters or Rapists
If you are one of the above people (just include molester in this category as well) your therapist secretly hates you, even if he or she says differently. Yes, there's a code of ethics and it's supposed to be a judgment free zone, but you're pretty much a parasite to your therapist. And everyone.

4- Cancelers
Do you cancel a lot? Your therapist hates you. Even if you cancel because your social anxiety is so bad that you are nervous about seeing your therapist, he still thinks you're a pain in the butt. Sorry.

5- Nasty Husbands
Are you a nasty yeller of a husband who comes into marriage counseling screaming about the injustices of your life, such as your wife makes brisket poorly or bought the wrong brand of toilet paper?
Ugh! Your therapist doesn't like you one bit. Neither does your wife.

6- Mean Manic
If you are bipolar, be a happy manic. No therapist wants a mean manic patient in his office. He would rather you come in rattling on happily about paint colors, shopping, sex sprees, or marathons than you come in an angry pissed off manic patient.
So put on a happy face kiddo.

7- Sobbers
Ever cry so much your therapist can't understand a word you're saying? Ever do this, um, all the time so your therapist buys a separate box of tissues just for you and asks you to translate every third sentence you say?
You're a sobber and you're making your therapist look bad with all those tears. Smile a little. Let the therapist think her therapy strategies are helping. That's how you'll become Patient Numero Uno.

8- Frequent Callers
Do you always have a problem? Whenever something goes wrong do you think, "Who am I gonna call? Oh, my therapist!"
Therapists are smart, but they don't have the answers to everything and when you interrupt their date, nephew's bar mitzvah, friend's wedding, or a baby shower to ask them if that stupid ex-girlfriend is worth your time again, you're the most hated patient ever, minus suicidal patient.

Now that you know these things, you can manage your behavior in order to be your therapist's very favorite patient. Thank me later!
Signed,
Finally #1 after a rough patch of being #2