Unless they're geniuses, most toddlers can't read, let alone write. I'm a master at getting into the minds of little ones, though, and I've compiled a list of nine books toddlers would write if they were able to. Most of these would be international bestsellers in their first week.
1. Where Has All the Glitter Gone? by Spark Lee
Synopsis: A coming-of-age tale documenting one girl's journey from 3 to 3-and-a-half. She must leave childish things behind in order to become the preschooler she longs to be.
Sample Chapter Titles: I Can't Eat Play-Doh Anymore, I'm Too Old For My Binkie, Where Are the Real Scissors?
2. Brown Hair, Gray Hair by Vicktori Ismine
Synopsis: Part how-to, part memoir, this title will make you laugh and cry. It follows Tyler, a 2-year-old boy who is determined to drive his mother to the brink of insanity... or at least give her as much gray hair as possible before he begins kindergarten.
Sample Chapter Titles: I Need a Drink of Water, Why Why Why, Loved It Yesterday/Hate It Today
3. Can I Pee on That? by Yorin Fortruble
Synopsis: A compilation of stories from writers ranging from newborns to 5-year-olds who tell of the equally dangerous and hilarious places and things they've peed on across the planet.
Sample Chapter Titles: Leaning Tower of Peesa, I Wouldn't Sit There If I Were You, Nice To Meet You, Mr. President
4. Cheese: A Love Story by Gouda Luck
Synopsis: One little girl's romance with a slice of cheese lasts way too long, as the cheese begins to mold. Is there anything she can do to save it from the trash?
Sample Chapter Titles: Love at First Bite, I'll Never Brie You Nor Forsake You, Mold, You Muenster
5. Making Insomnia Work for You by Snuzi Tyme
Synopsis: The Tony Robbins of toddlerhood, Snuzi Tyme will tell you the steps you need to take to get anything and everything you've ever wanted from your sleep-deprived parents. Funny, heartwarming, and guaranteed to secure you all the candy you can get your hands on.
Sample Chapter Titles: How to Wake Up Every Hour for Life, The Three Things Every Toddler Must Do Before Going to Sleep, Yawning Is Weakness: When to Strike
6. How to Be Independent in a "Because I Said So" World by I. Ownyou
Synopsis: Just because you live in a world where you're told you can't do anything doesn't mean you can't actually do anything. This heartwarming memoir will teach toddlers by I. Ownyou's example how to get the most enjoyment and glee from their daily lives without submitting to their parents' authority.
Sample Chapter Titles: Hiding Cookies in Your Bed, Racing the Clock, Clothes Are More Optional Than You Think
7. Run Until You Fall by Imma Klutz
Synopsis: The story of a boy who learned to walk, and then run, and vowed never to stop until that damn crack in the sidewalk got in his way. Will he get back up or will he stay on the ground forever?
Sample Chapter Titles: Sweet Victory, My First Skinned Knee, Carry Me
8. The Witching Hour War by Tan Trum
Synopsis: The only historical novel to make the list, this is a no-nonsense, completely factual account of the first toddler ever to look at the clock, see it was 5:30 p.m., and declare war on his parents until he went to bed.
Sample Chapter Titles: Dinner Was Awful, Everything Is Falling Apart, I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You
9. 101 Ways to Cook With Candy by S. Ugarrush
Synopsis: The most well-loved cookbook in the history of toddlerhood, this volume is chock-full of recipes for everything from appetizers to midnight snacks -- all made with a sweet candy touch. As a special bonus, it includes a list of optional activities to do while you're twitching from all that high fructose corn syrup.
Sample Chapter Titles: Cheerios With Sugar, Bacon-Wrapped Snickers, Gummy-Bear-Crusted Chicken Nuggets