By: Dan Gentile
To be honest, on a coffee-nerdery scale of 1-10, I'd say I'm only a 7.5. But you'll still probably hate me with total impunity.
Ok, so maybe I never went into debt buying a roasting machine, or hunted for the best coffee beans in Ethiopia, but I do have a taste for exceptional coffee and a general disdain for those who don't. This makes me a perfect target for your scalding hot cups of hatred. Here are my secret confessions. If you only drink cheap coffee from gas stations, prepare to dislike me a great deal.
"We can't be friends if you put an 'x' in 'espresso.'"
Pronunciation is hard, especially in the Internet age when so often you read about things but have never heard them discussed aloud (maybe I need to get out more). But there is clearly no "X" in the word "espresso." If you've heard someone pronounce it that way, you're hanging out with the wrong crowd.
"I always ask coffee shops about their beans."
While you're patiently waiting behind me in line, I'm going full Portlandia and asking questions like, "Where are the beans from? Is there's a high level of acidity? Is the espresso supposed to taste like brown butter or raspberries or a long walk on the beach?"
"I judge you based on your coffee equipment."
If there is a Keurig machine in your kitchen that wasn't given to you by your parents for Christmas*, and you aren't a high-powered lawyer whose time is measured in Franklins p/second, there's no reason to own one of these. It's a dating deal-breaker for me because you don't respect your morning rituals, which would theoretically meld with my morning rituals -- and I don't want to become infected with your bad choices. Also, there's no better first impression than owning an Aeropress.
*My Mom gave me one that I politely returned to the store and never told her about. If you're reading this, sorry Mom, I appreciate the thought!
"I waft in coffee smells like an idiot."
A serious coffee guru-type once told me that what you're paying for in specialty coffee is mostly the smell. So when I'm brewing, I damn well waft those delectable fumes into my nose and close my eyes. For a few moments I'm no longer in a crappy kitchen with a full sink of dishes, but rather in a poetic cloud of savory coffee fumes, and I'm sure I look like a real douche.
"Buy pre-ground coffee? I don't respect you."
Using pre-ground coffee is the equivalent of cooking a hamburger patty in the microwave. You don't need a fancy grill, but at least cook it on the stove. A $10 grinder will make a world of difference.
Head to Thrillist.com for 4 more secret confessions from this coffee snob!
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