One night, when I was a freshman in college, I paid my grandmother a surprise visit. When I was leaving, she slipped a twenty-dollar bill in my hand and gave me a tight hug and a big kiss. I squirmed. I was eighteen and too old for all that mushy stuff (but I did appreciate the money!). She squeezed tighter and whispered, "You'll never know how much I love you."
Now, all these years later, I'm a wedding officiant and almost every weekend I stand before a couple and bear witness to their vows. And each time, as I look out on the gathering of family and friends, I realize that the couple before me will probably never know just how much they are loved.
For me, a wedding ceremony is a HUGE hug that family and friends offer to the couple. Yes, at its core, the ceremony honors and celebrates the love and commitment of the couple. BUT, the ceremony is also that unique time to celebrate all the loves that have helped to bring a couple to that moment in time - parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends tried and true.
Couples come to me because they want a ceremony that evades the clichés and that is personalized. More times than not, they're uncertain as to what kind of ceremony they can have if they have no religious backgrounds or if they don't want to incorporate the religious traditions of their families.
So, what can they do?
Here's the thing - the true emotional impact of a ceremony is created by the "visuals." The truest way to personalize your ceremony is to incorporate the people, the significant loves, who are part of the fabric of your life together. This was brought home to me last month when I officiated the wedding of Nikki and Mark.
Mark's family is staunch mid-West Catholic and Nikki's is culturally Jewish. They didn't want a religious ceremony and, in fact, Nikki didn't want "God" mentioned. They did want a ceremony that had a rich texture to it. Here's a snapshot of what we created:
Mark's parents escorted him down the aisle; Nikki's parents escorted her.
They had one reading that was offered by both fathers - and, yes, the dads failed to choke back tears!
After my words of good cheer and encouragement (just prior to the exchange of vows), I invited both sets of parents to come up and light the tapers on either side of the Unity Candle that was set inside a protective hurricane lamp. The lamp was on a festive table underneath a Chuppah (the Jewish side was happy to see the Chuppah and the non-Jewish side thought it was a lovely decoration). After the parents lit the tapers, they all hugged Nikki and Mark and returned to their seats. Then Mark and Nikki lit the Unity Candle.
All of this was as a prelude - a moment of blessing by the families - to the Exchange of Vows. In the light of that blessing, Nikki and Mark exchanged their vows.
Mark and Nikki had written down in booklets their own vows. I invited one of Nikki's grandfathers and one of Mark's grandmothers to present the booklets to them.
The rings were presented by two other grandparents, each of whom has been married for sixty years to their respective spouse, which means the rings were presented from a combined legacy of one hundred and twenty years of married love!
After I pronounced them husband and wife, Mark broke the glass (something he suggested).
While this might sound like a lot of choreography, it actually wasn't. The entire ceremony, from the time I took my place until they kissed, was no more than thirty minutes - and they had a combined total of sixteen attendants (mixed sex on both sides)!
The ceremony was personal because Mark and Nikki incorporated elements that made sense to who they are as a couple and they decided to place the emphasis on family. It was warm and gracious as it honored the sacredness of what they were doing, yet, was not "religious."
Here are 9 other ways to personalize your ceremony so as to help you feel the tight, squeezing hug that your family and friends are so eager to offer you!
Processional
1. Mark and Nikki were each escorted by both of their parents. However, another option, if the bride is escorted only by her father, is when they arrive at the end of the aisle, the bride's mother takes a step over and when the "Who presents?" question is asked, both parents can say, "We Do!"
2. One couple each had just one surviving grandmother (both in their 70's). They invited their grandmothers to be the flower "girls." These gals sashayed down the aisle like no flower girls I'd ever seen! It was a sweet, whimsical and totally unexpected visual.
Reading
3. If it's a more intimate gathering, I've had the couple select a reading of ten or more lines and then divide it into two line segments. Five (or more) people are assigned a segment and they read it like a wave at a football game. These readers are seated in various places, and when I introduce the reading, the first person stands, reads their lines, sits down, the next person pops up and reads their lines, then the third person, etc. until the reading is completed. This makes the reading dynamic and involves more people. The reading is coming forth from the guests and has the feel of a community blessing or wishing.
4. There is no better way to honor culture and nationality than through language. You can have a reading offered first in the mother language of one person's family and then have that same reading immediately right after offered in English.
Presentation Of The Rings
5. Although Nikki and Mark had a wedding party, they opted for their grandparents to present the rings. If there is no wedding party, then the rings should be presented by someone(s) who has a meaningful connection to the couple. For instance, I've had both sets of parents present the rings. I've also had the children (older than toddlers!) present the rings as a sign of their love and blessing.
Unity Rituals
6. What is referred to as the "Fight Box" is, for me, too oppressive a concept especially since it's suggested you nail the box shut. My tweak, for what I call the Wine Box Ritual, is this - you get a bottle of your favorite wine, a wine box (or any ornamental box big enough to hold a bottle of wine), and you write a letter of love and gratitude to each other.
But, you can punch-up the emotional overtones of this ritual by having the wine box at the sign-in table (and later at cocktail hour), along with note cards and pens, and invite your guests to write a wish / advice and place it in the box.
I had one couples invite just their parents to put letters into the box, while another couple asked each of their attendants to write a letter. Before the ceremony the groom's attendants' letters were tied together and so were the bride's attendants' letters. The best man and maid of honor placed the packets into the box after the couple had put their letters into the box.
I introduce this segment in the context of family, as I urge the couple to take the best of who their families are and create a home that is a safe haven in our world. And when you talk about a home that is welcoming, well, you've got to talk about good wine! I remind the couple that when they reopen the box, tumbling out of it will be all our love and joy for the two of them.
7. Sand Ritual. Traditionally, in this popular ritual, the couple each has a vase of different colored sand and together they pour their sand into a larger bowl, symbolizing their union. You can expand, though, on this ritual, giving it a twist that incorporates family and friends.
When guests arrive, at the sign-in table are two glass containers--one empty and one with clear sand. Each guest is invited to place a small scoop of sand into the empty bowl. A card on the table reads: "As a symbol of your care & love, we invite you to place a scoop of sand into this vase, which will become an honored part of our ceremony."
At the time of the ritual, I remind everyone that the couple's life together is built on the love of all present. I mention that this bowl will have an honored place in their home, reminding them of all our hopes and loves. The couple then pours their sand on top of the sand of their guests.
8. Rather than having a traditional Unity Candle, one couple had a "table of light" on which were various sized candles and holders. Each member of the wedding party lit a candle when they processed up, as did the parents. And so the lights of close family and friends surrounded the couple's own Unity Candle.
Blessing
9. In various cultures and religious traditions, a couple may have crowns placed upon their heads or they might be draped with a lasso chord or have their hands fastened with ribbon. I suggest that parents or honored relatives do the draping, crowning or tying as an act of love and "blessing."
Remember: people go to a ceremony hoping that it won't be too long or too boring. A personalized ceremony allows people to feel rooted and renewed and refreshed. It's all about providing people the opportunity to give you that big, tight "hug" - and so bless, and confirm your union!
JP Reynolds, M.Div. has officiated more than one thousand weddings and has coached hundreds of people in how to create and deliver heartfelt, personalized ceremonies. If you've been invited by a friend or relative to celebrate their wedding ceremony and are wondering what to do, visit: http://ceremonymadesimple.com