By Lysa Parker and Margaux Khoury
As North Americans, we like to pride ourselves on being the best in everything; the best medical care, the best sports, the best technology.
Hyperbole aside, we fall despairingly short when it comes to women and children.
A recent report of the worldwide index ranks based on gender gaps found “The U.S. failed to crack the top 25, ranking a dismal 45th place…” That’s world-wide. This gap is even greater in the struggles that many women have in the unequal balance of work and family life, in substandard childcare options, and it shows in unequal policies, such as unpaid parental leave, especially in the United States, that continue to lay tremendous burdens on women who want to stay home or work part-time yet fear the loss of income and the loss of the momentum of their careers.
There are many other work/life areas in which inequality, oppression and misogyny hold back our progress. These behaviors are so common that we often don’t see it for what it is or maybe we become our own worst enemies and accept our mistreatment as normal.
Equal work for equal pay is a noble goal but we are better than that and are grossly overlooking the big picture, short-changing our intrinsic worth and value. We need to consider too, that our human rights are inextricably linked to the human rights of our children, for whom our society is failing miserably. It’s no secret that domestic abuse, dating abuse, sexual abuse, child abuse, and bullying continue to rise. We know the root causes of violence and abuse but as a society, it’s hard to look at ourselves in the mirror.
Even as “modern” nations, we can still look to hunter-gatherer tribes for inspiration on how an equitable, peaceful society is created and maintained. Some anthropologists have identified what they call “peaceful” societies and found several common characteristics: egalitarianism, respect for children, shunning of all forms of violence, conflict mediation.
All societies have their flaws but if we, as North Americans, can set aside our own biases, there is so much we can learn from the simplicity of structures and traditions of societies such as peaceful Native American tribes.
When we talk about feminism and women’s rights we have to examine our general attitudes towards children and childrearing practices. In some ways it reminds us of the adage “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” The way in which children are raised and the general attitudes of the culture in which they live, can determine the future of a society. A mother who feels respected and supported in every way will be a mother who is better equipped to nurture and raise her children, children who are more likely to grow up feeling connected, confident, competent and compassionate.
Parenting is not a perfect science, nor should we expect it be. It’s as unique as every individual on the planet and yet, with a few guiding, evidenced-informed principles that help us to better understand infants’ emotional needs and neurological development along with parent-to-parent support it can be a more joyful and rewarding experience.
Which leads to why we believe “attachment parenting” (AP) is on the forefront of women’s rights and human rights movements, we like to refer to it as the “new maternal feminism” movement. AP has been misunderstood and often criticized by people who really don’t understand the theoretical underpinnings. In the 1940s, Dr. John Bowlby founded “attachment theory”, believing he had discovered that human infants were born with an innate drive to form an emotional attachment to a primary caregiver. Feminists came out in droves and picketed in front of his clinic in London, out of fear that his work would undo all the progress that the feminist movement had made. These fears were understandable, since women were just beginning to exercise their freedoms to work outside the home and to vote. Still, the theory proved to pioneer a path to an unprecedented understanding of infants’ emotional needs and the power of nurture and nature.
”Attachment parenting is in many ways the practical application of my father's theory." ~ Sir Richard Bowlby (son of Dr. Bowlby)
Those of us in the AP world know all too well that this way of parenting isn’t all about being child-centered, but rather acknowledging and accepting that there is “inside” work for each of us to do. “Inside” work that means coming to terms with our own childhood experiences, making conscious efforts to change the legacy of family dysfunctions, being intentional in our parenting choices and behaviors instead of allowing ourselves to over-react to everything. Doing the “work” serves to strengthen and empower us as women and mothers.
We want the world to know how AP and Attachment Parenting International™ (API) is contributing to the women’s movement in subtle and not-so-subtle ways because we know that in order to achieve a more peaceful and compassionate world, the role of women must be of equal status and respect.
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Attachment Parenting advocates for maternal feminism in many ways:
- Educating and empowering women in their choices in pregnancy and childbirth
- Guiding women to make informed, conscious choices and to question everything
- Empowering mothers to advocate for themselves and their bodies, their children and their families.
- Breastfeeding, wherever and whenever a baby needs to feed.
- Supporting mothers’ right to respond and to be sensitive to their babies’ emotional needs both day and night without fear of criticism or judgment
- Encouraging mothers to provide healthy touch and holding of her baby without fear of spoiling
- Protecting the right to provide safe infant sleep for babies in close proximity of the mother, especially the breastfeeding mother, even if it means having the baby in the adult bed
- Providing strategies for mothers and fathers who are considering their work and childcare options that are conscious of maintaining the parent-child attachment relationship
- Connecting with women worldwide on a heart-to-heart level creating a collective spirit of advocacy and activism.
Attachment parenting isn’t a laundry list of things you “must do” but rather it’s more of an attitude of caring, compassion and respect towards our children. This attitude can carry over to other aspects of our lives and how we interact with others like not adopting an “us against them” mentality but respecting all of our sisters, whatever their choices in life or parenting may be and moving away from the need to judge or criticize. We envision a world where our children don’t have to spend their entire adulthood trying to ‘get over’ their childhood, a world that has more sensitive, caring women and men, a world where women and men are respected for their roles and contributions. That is when we will begin to see real peace in the world.
“If we truly want peace in the world, let us begin by loving one another in our own families.” ~ Mother Teresa
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By Lysa Parker and Margaux Khoury
Lysa Parker is a Certified Family Life Educator through the National Council on Family Relations, was the 2014 president for the Southeast Council on Family Relations, is a Certified Educator of Infant Massage CEIM and the co-founder of Attachment Parenting International, (API), a nonprofit parent education & support organization. She served as the executive director of API for thirteen years and now serves on the board of directors. She is the co-author of “Attached at the Heart” which won the 2009 Book of the Year Gold award from Foreword Magazine. She is a frequent guest on national, international, and local radio and TV programs and in 2014, was invited to speak at TEDx.
Lysa has dedicated her life to improving the way children are treated and is a recognized authority on parenting.
She is mother of two grown sons, a stepdaughter and is the grandmother of three grandchildren and lives with her husband in the Huntsville, Alabama area.
Margaux is the CEO of one of the most popular organic, natural, cruelty-free deodorants, “The Best Deodorant In The World”, a company she started out of her kitchen. It can now be found in stores and online world-wide. Her passion is helping families understand the importance of eliminating toxins, living sustainably and using amazing, natural products that don’t harm our bodies, animals or planet.
Margaux consults with parents on how to start a company like hers from scratch, and how to create an income while staying home with their children. She is a compassionate, heart-centred entrepreneur who works with parents and company owners, both new and already established. Operating by two very simple philosophies: “People over profit” and “Profit With a Purpose”, she has been able to follow her heart and make an impact in her client’s lives. When she is not with her husband and 3 children, much of her time is spent with parenting experts, birth practitioners, medical professionals and natural living celebrities.
She has built close friendships with many of the world’s most accomplished and respected practitioners, authors, speakers, doctors, midwives, doulas, parenting experts and celebrities in the birth, parenting and entrepreneurial spaces.
Margaux just completed a book “Ultimate Guide To Organic Groceries” with Joanne Young, who is personal chef to Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady.
