9 Things To Never Say To Women Over 30

"As a Black woman who looks 30 but could very well be 75, the crazy things people say to me are often the subject of my stand-up."
Here are nine things that you should never utter to any femme-presenting person over the age of 30.
Here are nine things that you should never utter to any femme-presenting person over the age of 30.
Maddie Abuyuan / HuffPost; Image: Getty Images

People of all ages, genders and IQs sometimes appear to have a case of verbal diarrhea when they engage in conversation with women in my age group. I don鈥檛 know why or how to make it stop. I鈥檓 beginning to suspect that some people can鈥檛 shake their own fear of aging and are projecting that weirdness onto me.

As a Black woman who looks 30 but could very well be 75, my real-life experiences are often the subject of my stand-up. And there鈥檚 a reason my peers in the audience laugh and feel seen. Our society has formed a very unflattering opinion of women over 30 鈥 and we need y鈥檃ll to get in line.

"The first step to redemption is sitting here and listening to the crazy, unsolicited commentary that鈥檚 been offered to me," says comedian April Boddie.
"The first step to redemption is sitting here and listening to the crazy, unsolicited commentary that鈥檚 been offered to me," says comedian April Boddie.
Photo: Rachel Niswander

The first step to redemption is sitting here and listening to a few of the crazy, unsolicited comments I鈥檝e gotten the minute people began to suspect that I鈥檓 not 22 anymore. For your horror and entertainment, here are nine things that you should never utter to me or any other femme-presenting person over the age of 30.

鈥淣o kids yet? You鈥檙e not getting any younger.鈥
Wow, I never realized I鈥檓 approaching my geriatric egg years. I鈥檝e been so busy with my fun, attachment-free lifestyle. Thanks for the reminder, though.

鈥淵ou should buy a house.鈥
Why does every boomer parent suggest this? Houses used to cost $70 when you bought your first one, ma鈥檃m. Today, groceries and rent are killing us.

鈥淵ou look good for your [insert age, size, etc.].鈥
Oh my God, just give the damn compliment without a disclaimer. It鈥檒l save everyone time and shade.

鈥淛ust don鈥檛 get bangs, ha-ha!鈥
We need to stop bangs-shaming now. It鈥檚 not always a wrinkle-covering tactic or a cry for help. We can look cute with a little razzle-dazzle on the forehead. Just let us spiral in style.

鈥淗ave you tried online dating?鈥
Oh no, I haven鈥檛. What鈥檚 that? I鈥檓 an alien; please explain.

鈥淪o how does it feel to be [insert age]?鈥
People tend to ask us this on our birthdays. I have no idea what鈥檚 going on, but circle back next year, and maybe I can provide some insight. Kind regards!

鈥淟et鈥檚 meet up at 9 p.m.鈥
Sorry but those are strictly couch/snacks/Netflix/snacks/Tiktok/snacks/stare at a wall/bedtime hours.

Literally anything involving the word 鈥渕etabolism鈥 in it.
My metabolism has been on the side of a milk carton since I turned 35. She pulled a 鈥Gone Girl鈥 on me 鈥 totally missing in action.

鈥淵ou have an old soul.鈥
When someone guesses your age and it鈥檚 much older than they think, they tend to clean it up with this terrible phrase. Apparently, I have an old face, too.

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