A 10-Day Detox and Other Ways to Hate Yourself

I'm always the first person to sign up for some kind of detox or cleanse diet. I love the idea of recharging our bodies, re-setting our immune systems, and purging toxins. I especially like the idea of losing a few pounds in the process, which, in most cases, people do.

Recently, I've been struggling with some health problems again, and as some of my readers know, I'm a cancer survivor, so I don't take it lightly when I have a health scare. This was the motivation behind my recent decision to try another detox. And by proxy, drag my family through it as well.

Before I explain the detox, let me start by saying that we are already gluten-free. Further, I don't eat dairy or drink caffeine. Basically the only reason I had left to live was sugar. And I thought I should give that up as well. Along with alcohol. Because I'm an insane person who should seek intensive therapy.

Everything I've been reading on the health front is making a strong case for ditching sugar. And pretty much everything has sugar in it. Along with that good news, alcohol turns to sugar as your body tries to process it. So does anything else white; white flour, white rice, sunshine, happiness, love. It all turns to sugar and evidently wreaks havoc on our systems and makes us age quickly, gain weight, damages our brains, causes disease, prevents healing, rots our teeth, and affects our moods.

I found out about a 10-day sugar detox plan that sounded great to me. The meal plans, snacks and recipes were all laid out simply and easily. So the guess-work and planning was eliminated. All I had to do was shop for the food, and cook. Easy breezy, it'll give us all a good metabolism restart. The perfect start to summer. And how long is 10 days, really?

An eternity. 10 days without sugar is an eternity.

Oh, I'm trying to be the cheerleader for our family so that we can all stay on track, but it's about as easy as convincing Donald Trump he's not the sexiest man alive. These detox diets were drawn up in the pits of hell, and don't let anyone tell you differently. By day four I was ready to do prison time for one square of dark chocolate.

Admittedly, as promised, by day six my sugar cravings were gone. Which is healthy for the public at large because I may have tried wrestling junior mints out of the hands of a toddler if I had the chance.

Sunday afternoon we drove by people having cocktails outside on the patio of a restaurant. My husband begged me to cave so that we could join the happy crowd. Did I cave? No. WE ARE STRONG. Do you know how much fun we had? How much fun we've been having? Imagine finals week in college, where one by one your friends are finishing their last test and leaving for the semester, but you still have to study because your test isn't for another two days. Then, while you're studying, imagine (math, let's imagine it's math) that you're eating nothing but green cardboard blended with protein powder. Also, imagine that you hate yourself.

Last night I went to my book club, the hostess had plenty of white and red wine. It looked horrible, and no one was having any fun. Also all the food looked horrible. I was so happy to be drinking water and eating air. One of my friends is expecting and can't drink either, but at least she could eat. Pie. They had pie. And I think brownies. Again, it looked horrible.

We're on day nine of our 10-day plan. We have less than 48 hours to go. In all honesty, I think we're doing better than we were on day four. At least I think we are, I don't think my family is speaking to me anymore. As far as how we feel? Let's talk about the changes we've noticed. Let me remind you that this is what we've given up:

  • Sugar
  • Gluten
  • Dairy
  • Caffeine
  • Alcohol
  • Loving Ourselves
  • Happiness
  • Joy

These are the remarkable changes we've noticed:

  • Weight Loss = zero pounds. This is not a joke. Not one pound.
  • Sleep Patterns = no change
  • Skin Condition = no change
  • Energy Level = lowered. Unless it means getting off of the couch for the promise of cake.
  • Feelings toward kale = have moved from "mildly okay" to "please don't buy this again ever for the rest of our lives".
  • We could easily be convinced to turn on our own country for Dairy Queen Blizzards.

We knew going in that we were going to go through a "rough patch" before it got easier. Let me explain that this "rough patch" is like a military interrogation, after running a full marathon, wearing barbed-wire.

I'm kidding, it's more like everyone you love walking out of your life forever.

We're muscling through to the finish line. I'm sure it's going to be worth it. Totally worth it. Why I'm not sure, I've forgotten. I've also lost my will to live. And did I mention no weight? I've lost no weight. And every memory of what it feels like to be happy.

If you have a success story of doing a detox or cleanse, I'd love to hear from you. We could use a pep talk, or some way to reclaim our souls and find a reason to live.