The following is a recent post from the RegistryFinder.com GiveIt blog, written by Christina Peterson, writer, RegistryFinder blogger, and ten-time bridesmaid. We get so many questions from frustrated brides and bridesmaids that this was important to share. - Cheryl Seidel
Dear Bride,
Congratulations! We know you’ve always dreamed of your wedding day, and part of that dream is having your best friends stand by your side as you marry the love of your life! I’m here to make sure that those best friends remain your best friends—and leave your wedding without a horror story straight out of Bridesmaids.
Where do these tips come from? Some come from traditional wedding etiquette, but most come from real life: I’ve been a bridesmaid TEN times (and counting), and my own wedding was four years ago. I get what it’s like to be in either spot, and I’ve pretty much seen and heard it all.
So without further ado, here are the tips. Your friends adore you—let’s make sure they always do!
1. Choose Wisely:
The first step in making sure your bridesmaids are still your friends after the wedding is making sure they’re your true friends before wedding. I know this is a tough choice, and often full of pressure.
To make this decision, I want you to imagine the morning of your wedding. Picture yourself getting ready, being zipped into your dress, and now imagine looking around: whose faces do you want to see? Who will make you laugh when your nerves kick in? Who will help you go to the bathroom once your dress is on? Who would you trust to step in to solve a last-minute problem?
These are the women you should ask to be in your bridal party: the women who know you the best. Asking someone you’re no longer close to, simply out of obligation, could lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary drama in the months leading up to your wedding.
2. Manage your expectations:
There is a lot of confusion regarding the duties of a bridesmaid, so let me clear things up: the only requirements they have are paying for travel to the wedding and purchasing their bridesmaid dresses and accessories. In recent years, there’s been a troubling trend to emphasize the “maid,” in “bridesmaid.” There’s pressure to throw showers, attend dress fittings, plan elaborate bachelorette weekends, and help with wedding planning—and that’s an unfair burden. While it’s never wrong for a bridesmaid to help out and be involved, it is wrong for a bride to require those things. Your bridesmaids are your closest friends, so they will most likely offer to plan events and pitch in with the details out of love. Allow these gestures to flow from the heart. Don’t send your bridesmaids “to-do” lists and overwhelming calendar requests—leave room for thoughtfulness and generosity.
3. Respect their budgets:
If most are just beginning their careers, be mindful of their budgets and try to choose an affordable dress (read: under $200). If you’re asking them to splurge on the dress, consider giving them freedom to choose their own shoes (you can guide them in terms of color).
So who pays for all of the “extras?” Do you want them to wear matching floral robes the morning of the wedding? Then that should be a gift from you to them. Considering professional hair and makeup? You can’t require your girls to foot the bill: it MUST be your treat or optional. Did your maid of honor plan a bachelorette weekend in a far-away city? Fabulous, but attendance is optional. No bridesmaid should feel pressured to assume those expenses. When it comes to the “extras,” be crystal clear and reassuring that they are optional expenses (practice saying it in the mirror if you have to): “I understand if it’s not possible for you at this time.”
4. Release control:
So your bridesmaids are throwing you a shower and bachelorette party? Yay! The only items you need to approve for these events are the date and the guest list. That’s it. Really.
I know what you’re thinking: what about my Pinterest boards? Warning: those Pinterest possibilities can lead to disappointment when your bridesmaids aren’t as crafty or creative as you would like.
Are you finding incredible ideas for bridal showers and bachelorette parties? Cute party favors and ways to set up a mimosa bar? Adorable matching tank tops? Save those ideas for when your BFF is the bride. Don’t overwhelm those hosting your bridal shower and planning your bachelorette unless they ask for your input—it will leave them feeling pressured and you feeling disappointed.
Allow your bridal shower and bachelorette party to be gifts from your friends—meaning they are sweet surprises, not custom orders.
5. Give a meaningful gift:
So we’ve made it clear that the financial obligations of your bridesmaids are limited to travel and their ensemble. You may be tempted to gift your bridesmaids with “extras” like professional hair and makeup for the wedding day. That’s like saying, “I’d like my wedding pictures to be perfect and that’s going to require you to be airbrushed. Consider my helping you look better a gift to you.”
If they can wash it off at the end of the day, that can’t be the only gift. Your bridesmaids should receive something that they can cherish beyond your big day. A popular choice is often jewelry; earrings or a bracelet that your girls wear on the wedding day, and can continue to enjoy afterward. Not all meaningful gifts have to be expensive—I’ve received beautiful picture frames, gorgeous stationary, and monogrammed coffee cups as bridesmaid gifts. All were small but incredibly thoughtful, and whenever I see them, I recall my sweet friends and what fun it was to share in their special days. Be sure to include a heartfelt handwritten note with each gift.
6. It’s only ONE day:
Sweet bride, I know that your wedding day consumes your every waking thought. But for your bridesmaids, “normal life” is moving right along. So in those months leading up to your wedding, try to move conversation beyond your guest list, photographer search, and the latest family drama. Ask questions and show interest in your friends’ current life situations: their jobs, families, and relationships. If all you talk about is your wedding, your friendship will only survive that event.
The bottom line: while your wedding is definitely all about you, remember that life will go on after that day ends. Considering your bridesmaids’ schedules, budgets, and feelings will ensure that you stay close after you’re a Mrs., and that you even get asked to stand by their sides as they say “I do,” one day.
Wishing you every happiness,
Christina
My bridesmaids and I. We’re all still friends.
Let us know what you think! Comment below your thoughts on the best way to keep your bridesmaids your friends. Also, if you have questions or comments about this post, gift giving, or wedding etiquette, you can email Cheryl or Christina at AskCheryl@RegistryFinder.com.
Cheryl Seidel is the founder and President of RegistryFinder.com, an intuitive search engine that helps gift givers quickly and easily find online registries for weddings, baby showers, graduations and more.