Gimme my soapbox, because this girl is going to do a li'l bit of preaching today. And bridey, I'm not preaching about being a bitch while planning your wedding or the "five must-haves" for your perfect wedding day, because what I am about to share with you is much, much more important. It's about doubting your way down the aisle, knowing that each step closer to the altar is a step closer to your imminent divorce. Forget Canon in D, bridey... Your head is blaring Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Your head is screaming for you to turn the fuck around and make a run for it because it's much easier to skip the wedding than file for divorce.
Bridey "B", an old friend of mine who I've recently reconnected with, told me a story so juicy, so meaty, so, dare I say, messy (keep reading) that I immediately dropped the plan for today so that I could share her story with you. Our conversation began innocently enough... A few pleasantries, a few compliments, but, when she said that "...after marriage number one, which was a total shitshow for 10 months, I took a break from boys until I met Superman", I couldn't shake it. I HAD to know more. Why was her first marriage such a short shitshow? What made the new guy "Superman"? So I pressed her, and found out...
BB: "Question: Did you have a big, glamorous wedding with husband number one?"
Bridey "B": "Yes, Ritz Carlton ridiculous." (I KNEW it! Total mask for the doubt!)
BB: "Did you KNOW it wasn't right when you walked down the aisle?"
Bridey "B": "Absolutely. I was like, 'All marriages have problems. I can handle the ones in store for me. I know this man.' Then he shit on my couch. Literally."
BB: "O Mothafuckin' G!" (Like you wouldn't say the same thing!)
Bridey "B": "I could go on. He just felt like since he worked from home, clothes were optional, and toilet paper was too." (Brideys, to the outside world, this dude is impeccable! He works for fancy firm as a fancy consultant. Just sayin'... Definitely not the kind of guy one pictures doing what he did to that poor couch!)
After a few more graphic details about the poop incident, I asked about when/how they met and some details of their relationship.
Bridey "B": "He asked me for a cigarette. I gave him one... The sex was great. We traveled to far countries and ate at really fancy restaurants, and then one day, he decided that he didn't want to have sex; he was depressed."
BB:"Um, whaaaaaa? Dear God! Sex would have helped!"
Bridey "B": "We were already living together. I was already 30. I thought it was a phase. Turns out, he was having sex, but with strippers." (She didn't find this out until after the divorce.)
Bridey "B": "So, I married this guy who was my best friend, who wouldn't have sex with me, but that's okay, because sometimes couples don't have a lot of sex, right? My mom said, 'It sucks now, but when you're older, you'll be glad he's not chasing you around with handcuffs and lube.'" (I totally peed a little when she said this!I love funny moms!)
Bridey, they were together for six to seven years before they got married. Crazy, right?
Bridey "B": "But, you know what happened. Brides get caught up in being brides and they're too scared to turn back." (No shit. No pun either.)
BB: "Yup! And then in retrospect... Would have been a lot easier."
Bridey "B": "Hard to tell whether you're going through a cold feet phase, or whether it'll work itself out in time or whether you're marrying a guy who will shit on your couch in six months." (BHHHAAAAAA!!!! I guess you never know!)
Here's the thing, bridey, you must listen to your gut (preferably before walking down the aisle to Canon in D) no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And, it will absolutely suck. And, it will absolutely hurt. But, marrying the wrong person sucks worse. My friend, Bridey "B"? She told me that the man she is with now, "superman", is the complete opposite of the asshole she married. Why she refers to him as superman? Well, "he would rather listen and learn, than fight." Plus, he's not fucking strippers or shitting on the couch... always a plus!
In September of 2013, I wrote "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off... How to Cancel Your Wedding (and Survive)," and for good reason... Bridey, if this story is hitting a nerve, then do something about it! Because that pit in your stomach? It's not cold feet, it's doubt. And, I know it's super grey, and sometimes more white or more black, but, bridey? If you don't want to skip your way down the aisle, then it's not forever... TRUST ME! And, I know it's fucking scary. But, you are strong, and better to end it now then waste your life with somebody who you know isn't right for you.
So, dig deep, read my "how to" on canceling your wedding, and then go find your superman! Got it?!