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A Brief Educational Update

The bus schedules should have arrived in your mail by now and we have instituted a policy that awards school credits to any student who shows up at the bus stop with a full can of gasoline.
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The academic year has gotten off to a great start here at Pleasant Valley High, and to everyone in the school community, the faculty and staff say a hearty, "Well done!"

This autumn newsletter is intended to bring all parents up to speed on some exciting changes that will enhance and energize the learning process for our student population during the months ahead.

The most significant improvement accomplished during summer break was a massive technical upgrade that made our school the first in the state to be fully outfitted with broadcast-quality HD closed circuit television.

A cooperative agreement with OmniVision, our local cable operator, will allow current subscribers to monitor the Pleasant View CCTV daily schoolcast for a low add-on fee of just $4.99 per month.

This electronic bridge will create badly needed transparency throughout the entire educational infrastructure. If you choose to add the new feature, we recommend monitoring your student's first period class on a regular basis.

That way, if Joey or Janie leaves home wearing the nice ensemble you picked out at JC Penny but shows up in home room dressed like a ninja assassin, you won't be the last person on planet Earth to know about it.

Also, any home viewers who observe a student copying off someone else's answer sheet during an exam is urged to call and report the incident immediately on our new Testing Integrity Hotline at 1-555-U*R*BUSTED.

The bus pickup schedules should have arrived in your mail by now. Make sure your student knows the rules of bus behavior. We have also instituted a policy that awards special school service credits to any student who shows up at the bus stop with a full can of gasoline. Be aware that the buses use regular unleaded. Please do not substitute biodeisel or some
corn-based alternative.

We have had a very positive response to the new "judgement-free" eating area in the cafeteria. Students who choose to occupy this section are required to take a pledge not to question or criticize other diners regarding issues such as meat consumption, pesticide use, or corporate farm ownership. The motto of the judgement-free eating area is "Taste, Chew, and Enjoy."

All students should be reminded that lockers are for personal use only. They cannot be rented out to third parties for storage or other commercial purposes. Items requiring refrigeration are strongly discouraged.

The career counseling office has reached a compromise on the controversial subject of allowing military recruiters on campus. Armed services personnel have been assigned one-half of a table on Wednesdays. The other half will be occupied by a representative of AARP, which is now working actively to broaden its demographic base.

We have a new face walking the the halls this year. His name is Robert Canfield and he's on duty for unspecified periods of time each week. Mr. Canfield is not a custodian. He's a partner at Canfield, Turner and Martin, the law firm we've hired to assist with dispute-resolution procedures. The firm will, of course, have unlimited access to all material recorded on our new CCTV system.

So let's all have a super year! Oh -- one final point -- the new standard we've adopted for campus attire: no shirt, no shoes, no schooling.

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