The Pilgrims came to this country so they could practice religious freedom, and also so they could wear big hats made out of black construction paper. They invented Thanksgiving, which consists of sitting down and having a nice meal with people you can't stand the rest of the year. A transcript from the first Thanksgiving in 1621, featuring the Pilgrims and the Indians, has been handed down to us and is reprinted here by arrangement with Samuel French.
Captain John Smith: It is good of your people to eat with us.
Chief Littlefeather: There would have been more of us, but you shot them this morning.
Smith: Well, the important thing is that we come together in a spirit of peace.
Littlefeather: How long you think that shit will last?
Smith: We have much to learn from each other. For example, we'd like to grow maize.
Littlefeather: Why not just steal it? You stole everything else.
Smith: Anyway, it is good to eat with you. Would you pass the salt?
Littlefeather: Get it your own damn self. I ain't passin' no goddamn salt.
That first Thanksgiving consisted of a hearty repast of turkey, corn, potatoes, yams and smallpox. It lasted for three days, giving rise to the now-accepted custom of guests coming over and not leaving for three days.
Established in Plymouth, Massachusetts (now DaimlerChrysler, Massachusetts), Thanksgiving moved on to Colonial Williamsburg, where the menu included new items such as cornbread and chocolate coins from the gift shop.
Soon all the colonies observed Thanksgiving. As time went on, Indians were replaced by relatives, so that hostilities could break out during the meal rather than after it.
Thanksgiving also caught on in Canada, where it is exactly the same except the government pays for your turkey.
On October 3, 1789, President George Washington created the first Thanksgiving Day by agreement with both houses of Congress. It was the last time both houses agreed on anything without arguing. Historians speculate that if Joe Lieberman had been in office in 1789, they would still be filibustering Thanksgiving now.
From Lincoln on, Thanksgiving was celebrated on the last Thursday of November. FDR moved it up to the third Thursday to give merchants a longer period to sell goods before Christmas. This caused great confusion, which meant that some people had two Thanksgivings and had to suffer through two sets of family gatherings.
A transcript from a Depression-era Thanksgiving has been handed down to us. Here is an excerpt:
Soup Kitchen Server: It is good of you to eat with us. How many are in your party?
Boxcar Willie: 1,654. What are you serving?
Soup Kitchen Server: Roast bite of turkey with all the trimming.
Boxcar Willie: What trimming is that?
Soup Kitchen Server: You have a choice of scrap or morsel.
Boxcar Willie: Oh, good. Could we get a crumb as well?
Soup Kitchen Server: No. You want a drop to drink? I can give you a drop.
Boxcar Willie: Got any Diet Sterno?
This year's hottest new Macy's balloon
Today Thanksgiving is celebrated by a new tradition, giant balloons in Macy's Chapter 11 Parade. Each year a new balloon is unveiled. This year's new balloon is Balloon Boy, and is the only balloon that is allowed to escape from the parade route and fly around until it is brought down by the military and its owner gets a reality show.
If the Pilgrims were around today, they'd be amazed by the changes to their holiday. Also, they'd be 423 years old.
John Marshall has won the big part of the wishbone 14 out of 37 times.