It's a gut wrenching feeling, a time of swollen eyes full of tears, and hearts that feel empty and broken. It's pride filled thoughts of the future and a bittersweet rush of memories. The empty nest: a roller coaster of emotion. It leaves you wondering what to do with the rest of your life.
As a homeschool mother of one, I woke up early one September morning realizing it was the day that I had been working so hard for--I would be taking my son to college. As he was embarking on a new chapter in his life, so was I. I had spent my days up until this making the best life I could for him. I worked and worried, spending many sleepless nights wondering about his future, his health, his well-being. Was I making the best choices for him? Could I do things differently? Did I go too easy on him or was I too harsh? What do I need to change to make things better? Was I a good example for him, and are his friends good influences? I spent many a laborious day navigating the waters of parenthood, pushing myself to exhaustion. I went past healthy boundaries, and allowed my entire identity to be wrapped up in being a parent--it's easy to do, and comes with the territory. But finally, the inevitable day to let go had come.
That morning I realized that my son no longer needed me in the same capacity as he had in the last 18 years, and I was broken. I felt like I had done the most amazing thing I would do in this lifetime, and nothing else would or could compare. I had brought a beautiful person into this world, given him my all, and now he would go on and do wonderful things. But where would that leave me? I really felt like my life was over, and I was struggling to see the point in life after parenthood.
After several agonizing months, I haven't changed my mind--I still think I reached the pinnacle of my existence in raising a child to adulthood. But now I have come to see and appreciate the beauty of time for myself, and I would like to share how I reached this outlook.
AcceptanceThe first thing I would advise a fellow parent facing an empty nest would be to accept the natural flow of existence. Birth, growth, and the eventual flight of our young is the way it is supposed to be. Our intent as good parents should be to bring up a person who is independent and can rely on his or her own inherent strength. Indeed, we are blessed to have a child that is capable of being on his or her own, and it is a tremendous blessing, for there are children that will never have the ability to leave their parents' homes. We should be rejoicing in our children's healthy independence.
Express YourselfFind a medium that speaks to you or one that you've wanted to try. Paint, sing, dance, play the piano, blog--just find a way to connect with yourself.
For many years I hadn't listened to my own needs, my own thoughts, my own ideas. With extra time on my hands, I could hear faint whisperings--whispers of my lost self, echoing my way back to importance. I began a blog to connect with my thoughts, and to get my feelings out into the universe--totally unencumbered, and not caring about being judged.
Just Go For ItDon't be afraid to redefine yourself or go out of your comfort zone. You owe it to yourself to grow and explore the whole person you once put aside.
Because I had my child at a young age, I knew nothing of moderation. I did not know it was possible to have a career and be a good parent. I had the opportunity to stay at home, and I wanted so much to be a good parent, and I thought the only thing I could do was put off college and stay home with my son. I was a decent student and enjoyed academics. The longing to go to college would seep into my daydreams every so often through the years, so when my son went to college, I decided it was my turn. Going to college after such a long time out of school and with students the same age as my son was a bit daunting, but I'm so glad I decided to take the leap and go back. I majored in English, and later found a job as an editorial assistant. I am now working on my teacher certification.
As a stay at home mom turned career woman I can say, just go for it--take that leap! Do what you've longed to do for so long. Now is the time, and you don't know just where it might lead.
Focus on YourselfYes. Focus on yourself. It's not selfish; it's about time. For me, getting healthier is a priority. I put on quite a few pounds in my former days of self-neglect, and have always used the excuse that I don't have time to exercise. Well, I can't use that excuse anymore. If anything, I don't have the time to not exercise. Exercise and eating healthier is a way of taking care of myself like I never have before. I realize that for some, jumping out of parenthood and into the role of caretaker for older parents is the norm. The above is still just as relevant. Focus on yourself. If you don't take the time now, you never will. Find an outlet for yourself, whether it be a weekly massage or that photography class you've been thinking about that meets once a week. Even a thirty minute stroll through the park can do wonders for your body and mental outlook. It doesn't matter what it is, you owe it to yourself to take some time out just for you. It's been said before and will be said again: you can't take care of others until you take care of yourself.
In a family, a time of change for one is a time of change for all, and change is not something to be resisted. It's natural. It's expected. And taken with the right frame of mind, it can even be embraced and cherished. Do yourself a favor and accept the change for what it is--the natural flow of the universe. Love your memories, love what the future holds, and love yourself.
Rebecca Hargus is a stay at home mom turned career woman and nontraditional student. She is a freelance writer and loves to sing in the Classical Chorus of Abilene, to indulge in the occasional mocha frappe, and to marvel at what the universe has in store. Her blog can be found at www.myemergentjourney.wordpress.com.