COMEDY

A Definitive Ranking Of Cold Cuts

According to science, etc.

Just kidding! If you're expecting a serious, academic ranking of cold cuts, boy are you in for a surprise.

19. Olive loaf/literally any kind of loaf

EVER WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU COMPACTED VOMIT INTO A GIANT MEAT CUBE? WELL WONDER NO MORE.

18. Liverwurst

The French eat foie gras, and us classy Americans, what do we eat for a pâté? LiverWORST!!??? 

17. Tongue

HOW ABOUT NO.

16. Braunschweiger

Um sorry, how do you pronounce this German roadkill? NEXT!

15. Sandwich style pepperoni

Is pepperoni having an identity crisis? YOU BELONG ON PIZZA. Go home, pepperoni. You're drunk.

14. Corned beef

Oh goodie! Salty, cured beef that smells like ass. 

13. Chicken

WHO CONSIDERS CHICKEN TO BE DELI MEAT? WHOOOOOO?

12. Pastrami

Otherwise known as the deli meat that forever tarnished the reputation of the name Reuben.

11. Bologna

Mortadella's socially awkward cousin. It should honestly change its spelling to baloney because wtf, that's how it's pronounced.

10. Salami

Sweaty mystery meat squeezed into the most phallic shape possible. Yet so delicious that we're willing to overlook these flaws.

9. Turkey

Turkey breast is so plain it's like the dry humping of deli meats. Fortunately, it goes well with a ton of things.

8. Ham

On the one hand, it might cause cancer. On the other hand, ham is delicious.

7. Dry salami

Proof that regular salami was just a rough draft.

6. Soppressata

Dry salami's spicy, sexy version. Think bored housewife after all the plastic surgery.

5. Mortadella

Bologna's cool older cousin who studied abroad in Italy, drives a Vespa and has impeccable taste in wine.

4. Roast beef

We have no beef with roast beef because this hunk of meaty goodness hits the spot.

3. Capocollo

If you Googled this one, you probably read that it's pork neck (ew). But if you've eaten this one, you've probably experienced a small slice of heaven. So there.

2. Bresaola

Bresaola tastes so divine it's practically Jesus Christ in meat form.

1. Prosciutto di Parma

The Beyoncé of deli meats. 

You're welcome.

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