Just kidding! If you're expecting a serious, academic ranking of cold cuts, boy are you in for a surprise.
19. Olive loaf/literally any kind of loaf
EVER WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU COMPACTED VOMIT INTO A GIANT MEAT CUBE? WELL WONDER NO MORE.
The French eat foie gras, and us classy Americans, what do we eat for a pâté? LiverWORST!!???
HOW ABOUT NO.
Um sorry, how do you pronounce this German roadkill? NEXT!
15. Sandwich style pepperoni
Is pepperoni having an identity crisis? YOU BELONG ON PIZZA. Go home, pepperoni. You're drunk.
14. Corned beef
Oh goodie! Salty, cured beef that smells like ass.
WHO CONSIDERS CHICKEN TO BE DELI MEAT? WHOOOOOO?
Otherwise known as the deli meat that forever tarnished the reputation of the name Reuben.
Mortadella's socially awkward cousin. It should honestly change its spelling to baloney because wtf, that's how it's pronounced.
Sweaty mystery meat squeezed into the most phallic shape possible. Yet so delicious that we're willing to overlook these flaws.
Turkey breast is so plain it's like the dry humping of deli meats. Fortunately, it goes well with a ton of things.
On the one hand, it might cause cancer. On the other hand, ham is delicious.
7. Dry salami
Proof that regular salami was just a rough draft.
Dry salami's spicy, sexy version. Think bored housewife after all the plastic surgery.
Bologna's cool older cousin who studied abroad in Italy, drives a Vespa and has impeccable taste in wine.
4. Roast beef
We have no beef with roast beef because this hunk of meaty goodness hits the spot.
If you Googled this one, you probably read that it's pork neck (ew). But if you've eaten this one, you've probably experienced a small slice of heaven. So there.
Bresaola tastes so divine it's practically Jesus Christ in meat form.
1. Prosciutto di Parma
The Beyoncé of deli meats.
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