I tend to be the grossest person in the room. I used to always describe myself as one of the guys...with female genitalia. I consider it a gift really. But lately, I come to realize it's more than that. It's genetic.
My great aunt Margie is a hot 76-year-old and cougars a 70-year-old boyfriend. My dad and his brothers started calling her boyfriend, "The Plumber" because she is getting her pipes cleaned. They've been going out for about 5 years and the whole family refers to him only as the Plumber. Hell, I don't even know his real name. He's never met us. He's scared to. Smart man.
The first Christmas she hooked up with said plumber, my great aunt received 6 gift certificates to Victoria's Secret. I was voted to take her lingerie shopping, because that's how my family rolls. Crotchless underwear was mentioned more than once. Merry Christmas!
Next Thanksgiving, while some families count their blessing and all that other crap, we were discussing whether or not I should take Margie to get a bikini wax. Pass the gravy please. What? Is this not normal conversation? It is in my family, Thank Gawd.
Sex and humor have always gone hand-in-hand in my family. Especially in the most inappropriate situations, which is how I know I am in the right family. That I belong. We joke, we say all those "horrible" things out loud that people are afraid to think, let alone say, because they are afraid of being judged. But we don't care. And it makes me feel pretty damn free. And I laugh a helluva lot.
My grandfather, a sweet devout Catholic, yet not without the Somoza smart ass gene, wryly told Father Leigh at his church that his sister Margie was dating a plumber. A few weeks later, Father Leigh asked if Margie's plumber was indeed a "good one," as the church could use some work. Straight faced, my grandfather replied, "Margie says he delivers the goods."
This is why I love my family.
Then just the other week, at my uncle's birthday, my aunt decided to sit me down and drill me on the pros and con's of waxing. I was surrounded by my aunt, my mother, my cousin and of course, my great aunt.
This should be interesting.
My aunt quizzed me on the differences between a regular bikini wax and a Brazilian ("do they REALLY wax the labia? Doesn't that hurt?") Um, yes and yes.
"Why wax at all? What's wrong with going au naturale?"
"Well," I said, "I believe it's a combination of the generation and the trend that we are in now. While some men and women prefer an au naturale look, a majority may look at it as if Angela Davis were going down on you and don't want the va-jungle look."
My mother left the table, a lovely shade of magenta as my aunt and cousin pondered this thought when my 76-year-old great aunt piped in, again cementing my membership to this family:
"Hell, I just shave it all."
Words to live by, Great Auntie. Words to live by.