No bar mitzvah goes off without a hitch. You lock 200 Jews in a room with free egg salad and some level of weirdness is bound to ensue. There was my son's friend who confidently introduced himself to the rabbi in front of the open ark like he was selling him term life insurance. And there was the moment during family pictures when my mother asked the photographer if she could get a solo shot. Naturally we assumed that "solo shot" meant a shot of her with the bar mitzvah boy. Nope. She really meant one of just her because "she needed to update her JDate profile." Can't fault her for being resourceful.
For me, the weirdest part is that it's over. For the first time in a decade, I'm not at least subconsciously working on The Speech, making a mental catalogue of anecdotes and attributes for use on the big day. It's true that one of my hobbies is extreme anticipatory anxiety. And I was incredibly nervous. How do you capture your feelings for your child in one speech. Plus, it's the only time you can tell them how you feel without them saying "Dad", getting embarrassed and walking out of the room. Truth be told, I was less nervous the day of. More truth be told, by then, I was arguably more Xanax than person.
People say it went alright. Some have asked me to post my speech here. To me, It feels kinda douchey and self-aggrandizing-- so of course, I'll do it. Here it is:
"No pressure. I've only been working on this speech since halfway through the first ultrasound. And to think, I was cocky this week. "You know, I may not cry at Jack's bar mitzvah." "My family responds 'Uh huh.'" "What?" "No offense, Dad, but you've cried during every single episode of the Bachelor. And not even the Rose Ceremony." "Oh my god, she got a one-on-one date!" Waterworks.
As anyone who's met me knows, there is no topic that challenges the resolve of my tear ducts more than my children-- specifically, the idea of them getting older and leaving home.
You may not know this, but I'm not what you'd describe as a "traditionally macho dad." (Not sure why that got a laugh? But okay...)
A few years ago, I planned the ultimate guy's day for us. We went to the Dallas Cowboys' training camp. We had a road trip. We saw an NFL scrimmage. We ate tri-tip sandwiches. I almost pulled off a real macho father-son bonding experience. Then, on the ride home, Cat Stevens' "Father and Son" came on the radio. I try to hold it together, but Jack looks over at me. And I. Am. Sobbing. Damn, I was sooooo close!
So knowing all this about me, this one, my sweet, angel-faced bar mitzvah boy wanted there to be walk up music today, like at Dodger Stadium, so he could play the song from Boyhood. "Let me know, I don't want to be your hero." Because he knows that I can't hear more than 2 seconds, without thinking of him leaving for college and start weeping uncontrollably.
Jack and I don't agree on everything. He's not a fan of what he calls "thousand year-old hippie dad music" or my use of smiley face emojis with sunglasses to give my texts "mood." But Boyhood has always been OUR movie. We've watched it 5 times. It makes sense it has resonance to us. It's about a dozen years in a boy's life. Watching him grow into a man before our very eyes. And about different ways a dad and a son find to connect and re-connect over the years.
It is a beautiful, majestic film and every time, we discover and discuss new details we hadn't noticed before. But I have to admit in front of you, the Torah and half the Writers' Guild of America West, that as much pleasure as Boyhood has brought us, it is nothing compared to the joy and meaning I've received watching the movie of your life unfold before me, every day for the last 13 years.
That's been a movie about kindness & compassion and excitement & adventure. One that has rekindled in me the joys of being a boy. And taught me how to be a better man. One that every day reminds me what a privilege it is to be your dad.
On a side note, at least Boyhood was age appropriate. I'm not sure why, but when Jack was around 9, we decided to watch the entire series of Breaking Bad. Yes, I know! Where do you nominate me for Father of the Year? A year ago, we were at a gas station, watching a full-scale drug deal go down. It was a team, one was super gaunt. And Jack says to me "Look dad. It's Badger and Skinny Pete!" I literally have never been more proud in my whole life. I didn't know whether to hug him or turn myself in to Child Services.
This young man has been my boy, my friend, my road tripper to out of town bowl games, my partner in crime and French Dip sandwiches. And he came into our lives not much different than how he stands before you. Sweet and sensitive on the inside. Full of energy and curiosity on the outside.
The basic personality of Jack Behar has changed so little, that 11 years ago, Beth tells me, apropos of nothing, "I've already tapped Ferdinand the Bull for his bar mitzvah speech. So get your own analogy!" 11 years in advance. That speaks to how incredibly organized she is. And how much, Jack at his core, hasn't really changed since the day he arrived.
Often, dads use these speeches to bestow some grand wisdom upon their sons. Instead I'm going to speak about the things I've learned from you.
You may not know this, but I was terrified to have a boy. I was used to living in a household of women. And having been a gentle boy, I was worried I wouldn't know what to do.
When your mom called me to say, "it's a boy," I was shocked. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been too shocked. I mean there were only 2 possible choices. But that one never occurred to me.
And now, 13 years later, I can't imagine my life without a boy. Without this boy.
You are strong and confident. But deeply sensitive to the needs of others--especially those in need. You have taught me to try and be bold and fearless and ready for adventure. To go into situations expecting the best. Not assuming the worst.You are comfortable in your own skin. And makes others comfortable around you. People are naturally drawn to you. So are cats.
Your cat Gracie wants to be nowhere other than sitting on your chest. I mean, maybe she likes to watch videos of English guys opening FIFA packs? But I think she, like most people, just enjoy being around you.
We are different in a lot of ways. In your first park basketball game, you scored 27 points. I don't think I've scored 27 points my whole life. That includes shooting by myself in the driveway. When he was 3, I took him to see the Superman movie and he wore his Superman pajamas. And after the movie adults lined up to look at him because they couldn't believe a kid looked that much like Superman. When I was a kid people couldn't believe how much I looked like Albert Brooks.
On the other hand, when we saw Tori Spelling at Hamburger Hamlet, after explaining who she was, you were like how much will you pay me to chant "Donna Martin graduate." So in some ways, we're not that dissimilar.
According to Facebook-- I post things there occasionally. Like. maybe, once or twice a year-- Jack and I like doing things together. And for those who follow such things, you'd also know his favorite day of the year, the day he leaves for camp in Wisconsin, is my saddest: Yes, yes, I'm proud of his bravery.
But then I realize, wait, who else will search the Valley with me for the perfect hot dog? Or the best bahn mi sandwich? Who else is going with me to Disneyland, the Apple Pan, Dodger Stadium, boogie boarding, UCLA spring practice and Venice for paddle tennis? Who else will talk to me about 90s alternative rock and Chris Rock, the Bruin depth chart, my standup set, the US Men's National Team, the Iowa Caucus or the international futbol transfer market? And I was once terrified we'd have nothing in common. I think he likes doing some of these things. And some of it, is he's so sweet, he just wants to keep me company.
I also want to add what a wonderful relationship you have with your proud sister Sammy. Sure you may team up to make fun of me--I swear I don't remember crying during Twilight. But they insist, maybe. But you two always have each other's back and I hope that never changes.
Jack, I don't expect great things from you because that's imposing an expectation. I just want you to realize that you have the power to be whatever you want to be. I have no idea how you feel inside, but personally, I'd be very excited looking out into the future knowing that I get to take on the world as Jack Behar.
We talk a lot in this service about m'dor l'dor, the passing of Torah from generation to generation.
My family has a lot of memories, both wonderful and bittersweet in this very building. Simchas and sorrows. Stephen Wise Temple has been part of our baby namings and our wedding. In this very building, you graduated from nursery and elementary school, we said goodbye to my father, and we have welcomed you and your sister Sammy into the brethren of b'nai mitzvot.
Just as an aside, I wonder if losing my father the way I did, to suicide, right as I was growing into fatherhood, a man who adored you and whom you look so much alike, made me want to try even harder to cement the bond between us, to be a better dad?
And believe it or not, 37 years ago I was standing exactly where you are, in my Rudnick's 3-piece suit and my Dorothy Hamill haircut. Well, in the chapel. I wrote this before we switched rooms.
And now my baby boy is becoming a man. And I have to tell you-- it goes by real fast. It literally feels like seconds ago, that you were dancing on the bed to Hey Ya and riding the ponies at the farmer's market and I would rock you to sleep, singing you Beatles songs while you layed against my chest. I'd try it again for old times sake, but I'm pretty sure you'd break me.
But I want to leave you with this. It's a variation of something I said at Sammy's baby naming and your bris, so I must actually believe it.And it is this. Not every day in life is easy. There will be hardships and there will be obstacles. But if every day, can feel a little like today... One you approach with kindness and sensitivity, humor and humility. And with the knowledge that you are surrounded by people who love you, care about you and are rooting you on, you can make it through anything.
I won't lie. It all flies by so quickly. But just be you and it will be a journey worth taking. And I, for one, can't wait to see where it goes.
I love you. And mazel tov. "