Celebrity tabloids (and/or teenage boys) are all abuzz now that sexy, pint-sized Mila Kunis is back on the market. One thing you may not know about the Black Swan beauty? She's a Ukranian immigrant born in Soviet-era Kiev. I was born not too far off in Khmelnitski. Luckily for all the men with an Eastern European fetish, I am willing to divulge the secrets of my ethnic heritage to get you laid. Behold, the keys to her borscht-clogged heart.
1) Pay for everything. No matter how good her English accent, she's a socialist at heart and doesn't know how to use money.
2) Compliment her unique village beauty by noting how her ribcage sticks out sometimes when she breathes.
3) Take her to a nightclub at least once a week. It will remind her of home.
4) Note her unique Eastern European talents by remarking "My, what a beautiful split in the air that was!" or "The way you twirl that ribbon really turns me on!"
5) Don't act too shocked when her tan starts to literally glow in the sunlight. (Chernobyl).
6) If you really want to wow her, keep a beet with you at all times that you can lick right before kissing her. Feel free to rub it over various parts of your body too. Like Pavlov's dogs, she will eventually start to associate you with happy thoughts of her homeland.
7) Remember that vodka is nothing more than water to her bloodstream. Don't try to be all macho and keep up with her shots if you want to wake up in the morning.
8) Expect her babushka to move in with you, along with free dinners of stewed cabbage and an unlimited supply of knitted hats and socks. Yes, you have to wear the hat and socks when it's cold out. No, you don't get to decide when that is.
9) Flatter her by saying she's so much prettier than all the other famous Ukrainians on the big screen ("Milla Jovovich is such a whoreface!"), because she's obviously related to them and kind of insecure about it.
10) Don't get scared when she starts shouting at you in what can only be described as a satanic baritone bark. Eastern European women look harmless, but are pretty totalitarian when you get to the bottom of things.
Yelena Shuster is a bona fide Soviet transplant and has the scared mugshot on her expired Alien Card to prove it. She and Mila are totally distant step cousins eighty six times removed.