It’s almost time for a new year to start, and boy am I excited! My mom keeps saying that every new year just brings her more gray hair, but I think her hair looks the same as it always has. I say it’s all in her mind; she says it’s all in a box—a Lady Clairol box, to be precise. As for me, I just can’t wait for January 1, because every new year brings me a little closer to growing up, and growing up will be the best thing in the whole world…right, Journal?
In school we’ve been talking about setting New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve really been thinking about mine. They have to be just perfect, because they’re obviously crucial to my growth and development and I absolutely cannot break them. Nobody but 88% of people breaks their New Year’s resolutions…right, Journal?
With that in mind, I’m excited to officially present my resolutions. They are to, in no particular order:
1. BECOME A PROFESSIONAL ROLLER SKATER: Journal, you should see the new roller skates I got for Christmas! They’re purple and white and they have toe stoppers and everything! My plan is to practice every day so I can become a professional roller skater when I grow up. Ok, so maybe I don’t know how to skate yet, and maybe I haven’t actually taken my skates out of the box since I got them, and maybe I liked the idea of skating more than the skating itself, but I just know I’m going to be amazing. One day. When I take them out of the box. Maybe. My mom says this is a very lofty resolution, but I say I should reach for the stars…right, Journal?
2. EAT LESS CANDY: This one’s gonna be hard, Journal. My mom says candy will rot my teeth, and my dad says too much sugar isn’t good for me, and I know they’re probably right, so I’m definitely going to eat less candy. I mean, I’ll still eat candy, like when I’m at a party or it’s Halloween or it’s a special occasion or I go through the drive thru at the bank or on days that end in “y,” but I should definitely cut back on my sugar intake because it’s bad for me…right, Journal?
3. SAVE MY MONEY: Next year, no matter what, I’m gonna save my money for that big-ticket item I’ve been wanting—you know, the one Mom and Dad said I’d have to pay for myself? I’ll save my allowance and my birthday money and the cash I made filling the neighbor’s birdfeeders when she was out of town, and I will buy it. I definitely won’t spend my money on countless packs of chewing gum when I go to the grocery store with my mom, and I definitely won’t buy 97 piece-of-junk items from the Dollar Spot at Target because #Target. Nope—I’m gonna save my money. Well, most of it. I do like gum an awful lot, and a pack or twenty of gum would be alright…right, Journal?
4. STOP SAYING “MOM” SO MUCH: My mom ignores me a lot, and she says it’s because she doesn’t hear me. I don’t know how she doesn’t hear me, because I say her name over and over and over and over again. “Mom! Mom! MOM! MOMMY! MOOOOOM!” She says I say her name so many times that she just tunes me out, so next year I resolve to only say her name when I really need her for something. Like when I can’t find my shoes, the ones that only I wear and I definitely saw last? Or like when I’m on the toilet and I suddenly need to holler across the house for her to ask if we can go to Chick-fil-A? And I will definitely need to say “Mom” when my dad is right next to me and is able to help me himself, because what does he know anyway? Mom’s gonna be so proud of me for my self-restraint…right, Journal?
5. GO TO BED WITHOUT COMPLAINT: You and I both know I’m getting older, Journal, and with more maturity comes a later bedtime. The problem is, my parents seem to think an 11pm bedtime in 4th grade is “extreme,” and they insist I turn in by 9pm because they want me to get “enough sleep,” or something strange like that. We argue almost every night, and while I know I’m right, I’m starting to see that if I want to convince them to let me stay up later, I won’t be able to do it by starting a fight. So, I resolve to initiate peaceful negotiations with my mom and…zzzzzzzzz…zzzzzzzzz…zzzzzzzzz…OH, WOW, so sorry about that. I must’ve dozed off while I was writing that last part, but it was not because I’m tired. Sleep is for wimps…right, Journal? Journal? JOURNAL? ARE YOU AWAKE?
I guess it’s time to wrap this up, then. I have set some stellar New Year’s resolutions, obviously, and I can’t wait to see the progress I’ve made on them 365 days from now. I will most definitely be the healthiest, wealthiest, most well-rested and independent professional roller skater the world has ever known…right, Journal?
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