"The Big Book of Parenting Tweets" is a new collection of 300 Tweets from funny people on Twitter who also happen to be parents, curated by Kate Hall, creator of the popular Hall of Tweets blog.
Laughter is a terrific way to reduce stress. And thanks to Twitter, when an amateur comic who is also a parent cracks a good joke, the world listens! (And, if you need a good laugh, you should too.) Check out this sampling of the books best wit, wisdom and wisecracks:
Yesterday I cleaned my house, which is dumb because we still live here.
To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2YO threw a temper tantrum because she couldn't get rid of her shadow.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food & squirt ketchup on the dog.
My artistic 3YO has chosen the dining room table as her canvas, a blue Sharpie as her paint bush & lax supervision as her motivation.
My teen daughter dropped her phone. It broke. The world came to an end. Good-bye, everybody.
My 4YO just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Glad my son can read because now someone calls out from the backseat every 2 minutes with the current speed limit and how I'm exceeding it.
5YO: Mom, will you get me a yogurt?
Me: You're closer to the fridge.
5YO: *moves to the other side of the room.* Now you're closer.
World peace could be achieved if all the political leaders of the world had to work together to dress and undress Barbies.
Fun Fact: The average group of 4YOs can take up to 7 years to break open a pinata.
Tonight we will be having "That looks kinda yucky" with a side of "How many bites do I have to take?"
Reasons my 2YO threw a fit today:
1) I woke her up
2) Her socks felt funny.
3) Her balloon was too floaty.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children, he'd be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Put a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You're welcome.
4YO: My teacher said zombies aren't real.
Me: That sounds like something a zombie would say.
4YO: *hides under her bed forever.*
"Daddy, I want to watch Dora."
"Sweetie, this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets."
My signature move is spending 4 hours getting my kids to sleep and then tripping over a basket of cymbals on my way out of the room.
I only have to wait 30 more years before my daughter realizes I know what I'm talking about.
4YO: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
There should be a theme park called Parentland where only parents can go. The rides would be couches where parents can just sit in peace.
Reassured the 5YO at 2 a.m. that there are no werewolves, then went back to bed where I can't let my feet hang over because of the evil clowns.
MY 9YO says she always unbuttons her jeans when she sits on the couch because I do. So that's my legacy right there, people.
My advice? Get a copy for everybody on your holiday gift list. And a copy for yourself too. Then sit back, pour yourself a margarita and enjoy.