Folks, I've got some bad news. By the time you read this article, my 23-year-old self will have been tragically murdered and laid to a rest. She will be taken from her bed in the middle of the night, with no warning and no sense of where she's being taken. The much stronger and able-bodied age of 24 will see it fit to suddenly take 23's life within the course of a second and usurp the thrown as the sole proprietor of my method of identity. The world will have nothing but the memory of her existence to carry it on into the future...
To which I say:
DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD. THE WITCH IS 23, AND SHE CAN CHOKE ON A BAG OF RUSTED UP TIN MAN DICKS WHICH PROBABLY TASTE LIKE RUSTED UP TIN!!!
If you couldn't guess from this pretty pretty princess picture, I'm soon to turn 24. And though I pretend to be scared, I'm secretly FUCKING thrilled about it. Because this means that I get to chuck a deuces to the year that showcased the very best and the very worst of my post-collegiate, young-ish adulthood, Miranda Priestly wannabe-assistant self. It is at this moment that I present my direct address to Alex at 23.
Hey betch. So here's the thing. Your days are numbered, and we don't have much time. So let me just get a few things out. This won't take long.
We have had some AMAZING times in our year together. So many trips, so many new friends, and so many new steps in creating a rewarding adult life! Together, we truly established ourselves in a city that was completely foreign. We created a brand new local community that helped us learn more about our potential and who we are at our core. We learned to financially establish ourselves (mostly) independently and goddammit, that shit ain't easy! We spent hours biking our way through weaving traffic and came out unscathed! Almost... We challenged ourselves to become immersed in different art forms, which, in turn, helped us form our own values in art. We even got mentioned in a notable news source for being awesome! That's all been amazing and spontaneous, and brave, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
But, I have to admit that there have been some experiences that have forced me to seriously question our relationship. For starters, you get really fucking uptight and paranoid. Did you know that? You do this thing where you read something on the Internet or you talk to a friend who accomplished something amazing and you let it fester in you because you think it creates a judgment on you. I mean, who does that? It's not fun to be around. If you have a friend who got engaged, got into grad school, or booked an amazing job, then be fucking happy for them! Secondly, and I don't mean to be harsh or insensitive, but you're a bore. You sit around and stubbornly complain that things aren't going your way. And you allow that complaining part of you to win some stupid battle of wits because you think it's more noble and valiant and you're too prideful to admit to your frustrations and turn it around. Blink 182 can't be your anthem band forever. Because they eventually broke up. One more thing and then I'm done. THE WORLD ISN'T AGAINST YOU. It isn't the world's mission of existence to see you fail. No one is secretly hoping that you fall flat on your face and move back in with your parents to work at Starbucks because you couldn't do the thing you wanted to do. The only person who's thinking that is you. It's toxic, and I can't waste my energy wondering what state of this you're in every two seconds.
And that's why I know it's in our best interest to end this whole thing. I love you so much. But you are toxic, and I refuse to let myself get dragged down with you. I have too much shit planned to get boxed into a corner with you, and I know it'll only get worse if we keep doing this. I packed all your stuff up, and it'll be on the back porch tomorrow. You can come get it whenever. I really, truly wish you well, and one day in the future, I hope, we can be friends. We just can't right now, and I don't know when that time will come. Also, there's something else.
I have to admit that there's someone new in my life. She is kind, and welcoming, appreciates me for everything I am, and doesn't make me feel sorry for being me. I won't say her name, but I don't think you know her. I just thought you should know.
Good luck with everything.
DUECES 23. MAY YOU BURN IN THE MOST LUXURIOUS SPA FROM A FACIAL TREATMENT YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ALLERGIC TO. Thanks for some wicked good times, but 24 is where it's at.