A Hairy Situation

Gentlemen, I am about to ask you to think about your hair choices. What are you doing? And what do you think you are doing? It has come to my attention that men are rarely able to correlate answers to these questions when it comes to their own hair. Are you dying your hair pink or purple to make some sort of fashion statement? If so, good for you. Soon you'll realize it's just a phase and you'll move on. People move on and so should their hair. And that is my point. Moving on.

Richard Gere looks sensational with his gray hair, and the badass baldness of Ed Harris and Bruce Willis keeps them gainfully employed in the entertainment industry. Both indie politico Jesse Ventura and wrestler Hulk Hogan rock without hair on their heads. I point this out because it continues to amaze me when otherwise sane men resort to the Hair Club for Men, wigs, toupees, and dye jobs that defy both logic and good sense. Have you ever seen one of these stealth maneuvers beneath the glow of a fluorescent light? Trust me, those guys are not giving good head. They might as well slap a pile of Cool Whip on their scalp, or maybe a pair of rabbit ears like Steve Martin used to wear when he was doing standup. Hey, if you're going for comedy, go all the way.

Have you taken a look at Tom Selleck lately? He looks like he fell into a vat of shoe polish. Liam Neeson -- same issue. What are they thinking? Don't producers realize there is a problem when their dramatic leading men look like animatronic figures? Burt Reynolds, Nicholas Cage, and Kevin Spacey haven't been seen professionally without a wig or toupee in years. Do they really think that Dynel island parked atop their skull is fooling anyone, or that it makes their performances more credible? Are they perpetually auditioning for the remake of Death in Venice? If not, they could have fooled me.

Then, of course, there is the mysterious case of John Travolta who has been sporting some sort of painted skull recently that could only qualify him for the starring role in Chucky III: Scientology or Bust. But the not-so-subtle efforts of Brian Williams on the evening news provide me with a reason to tune-in to his newscast every week. Williams artfully retains his gray just at the temples, but the rest of his head suffers from toner shock. Even when you use the same color, repeated applications will inevitably produce inconsistent results. Every ten days or so, Williams will swing subtly between Susan Hayward chestnut brown and Van Heflin ginger root. I get a strangely rewarding, vicarious thrill as I watch these shifts manifest beneath the gravitas of Williams' stentorian delivery. But please, I can't take him seriously anymore.

So here's my advice, guys. Just let it be. Long or short; thick or thin; light or dark; present or missing in action; the hair growing naturally from your head is probably the hair you should be wearing. Embrace it. I promise this will make it easier for others to embrace you.