So you are sending off your child to college. Many parents and their children report "strange behaviors." Once students are accepted to a school, the separation begins.
Parents and students report they don't know what has happened: "We used to get along; now all we do is fight." "We used to have at least two dinners together a week; now, we never see each other." Bundles of ambivalent emotions occur. Therefore, strategies are needed to deal with the excitement of your child's dreams coming true while you prepare to end one chapter of your relationship and begin another.
Part of this unknown dance gets acted out until one or both realize the anxiety, excitement and ambivalence of entering into unknown territory. Children of divorce, along with their parents, face even more of a challenge in handling additional obstacles, such as finances.
Recently, a number of teens we have worked with at our center experienced significant anxiety, anger and other difficulties in coping with problems related to their parents' divorce or other family transitions.
Some students are worried about leaving a parent who is still grieving. One teen wondered if he was "being mean" by going off to school.
They fear increasing their parents' sadness by departing for school and feeling happy about it.
Other students feel anxious about money because they have been placed in the middle of parental conflict. Paying for a college education may be used as a power tactic.
Children are the ones who suffer when parents have had little or no communication; when one parent has borne all the education expenses; when a parent refuses to disclose financial information, necessary for receiving financial aid.
After striving so hard to be accepted into a college of choice, some fear they will then be rejected because a parent withholds necessary information. One young man asked me to meet with his parents because he dreaded being asked to leave the school for lack of tuition payment.
The children's most difficult challenge is when conflict continues between their parents. This may extend to when students move into dorms and both parents demand to be present.
Will parental arguments embarrass them in front of new roommates? Will they end up feeling angry at their parents or forced to choose sides?
Admittedly, this is also a difficult time for parents but please think about strategies to ease this important transition for your children. All of these identified problems can be avoided.
1. While making decisions about your children's future, discuss what role each of you will play in their education or job training. During the college search, be specific. Relay information to the parent who didn't visit the school; determine who will help with essays, applications, deadlines. This avoids assumptions and ambiguity, providing a concrete foundation from which to move forward.
2.Remember the goal is to support the child. College requirements must be followed in order for students to receive adequate financial aid.
3.Although children insist they are grown up, in reality, they may require some help in researching scholarship opportunities, financial aid packages or part-time employment.
4.Reassure your child that you will be all right in surviving their departure. Express pride in their decision to move away as part of the journey to adulthood. Both of you are prepared to experience life in a new manner.
5.Saying good-bye before college begins is difficult -- it is exciting, scary and everything in between. It's best if both parents participate, respecting each other. If acrimony persists, alternate. One takes the child to school; the other visits on Parents' Weekend.
6. Prepare for when your child comes home for the first time. Students report feeling awkward, not knowing in which of the two homes they belong.
Make this decision before the child leaves for college, considering his/her preferences plus the relationship with each parent.
Recognize this new beginning for you and your child. Both of you worked hard to achieve it. Determine to continue utilizing similar skills as you each move ahead.