I've been a joke writer for a long time. And a football fan for just as long. Finally, this season, I managed to bring the two together. And believe me, it's been a banner year. Here are some of the things that I'm especially thankful for this holiday season:
Brett Favre: Thank you, comedy gods. Apparently Brett sent a woman lewd messages and pictures of his penis. It's the first time in NFL history a quarterback delivered his own sack.
Favre apologized to the other players for "the distraction." Is that the nickname for his penis? "Hey ladies, anybody want to address 'the distraction?...' "
Despite the chaos and a fractured foot, Brett Favre's streak of consecutive starts continues into the 290s. [UPDATE: Favre's record streak ended this week]. To put that in perspective, when he started his first game, he was promoting Wrangler parachute pants.
Brett missed a lot of practice because of injuries. The coach said the "throw into triple coverage interception drill" just isn't the same without him.
Braylon Edwards: He's the Jets WR who got a DWI. As many drops as he's had the last three years, the real miracle is that he could hold on to enough drinks to get that drunk in the first place.
And this is not his first issue. If Braylon Edwards keeps shooting himself in the foot, he's going to owe Plaxico Burress a commission.
Brandon Jacobs: The Giants RB wants a trade. He's not happy. At one game he threw his helmet into the stands. Later he explained that he was trying to slam it into the ground. Really? You're a professional athlete, and you can't hit the ground with your own helmet? It IS time to trade this guy. He should be a quarterback for the Panthers.
Ben Roethlisberger: He proved this offseason that not wearing a motorcycle helmet can hinder your decision making for YEARS. The Steeler QB missed four games, then looked a little tentative his first game back. After all of the allegations, I guess he was hesitant to "force one in there."
During one game Richard Seymour slapped Ben Roethlisberger. Living out the daydreams of college girls everywhere.
Ray Lewis sent Ben some supportive texts. That reminds me of when Woody Allen signed the petition in support of Roman Polanski. Some help you can do without.
Ochocincos: Yes, this season Chad Johnson released a breakfast cereal. Ochocincos. It doesn't snap, crackle, and pop. It tweets, cackles, and brags.
And you know if Chad has a cereal, Terrell Owens has to get a cereal. Naturally if his cereal sucks, he'll just blame the milk.
That Idiot Browns Fan: After a Browns game, an 8 year-old boy in a Jets jersey was tackled by a drunken adult Browns fan. I think we can all agree... if you wear a Jets jersey to a Browns game, you get what you deserve big guy!
Obviously I'm kidding. This guy tackled an 8 year-old? His friends are never going to let him forget this. "Jim, pick up some beer. And on your way over, and try not to tackle any children."
The kid was with his dad, and from what I can gather he's a good parent. But a terrible blocker.
Shanahan wants a tape of the tackle to show Haynesworth how to do it.
Tim Tebow: The rookie QB is writing a memoir. The book's not that good, but the Broncos are buying it.
Maybe a book is the perfect thing for Tebow, because he does look good on paper.
He's not even a starter, and he's a virgin. Why would I want to read that? Not starting in the NFL, and having no sex? I can read that in my own journal.
He's 23 and writing a memoir? Maybe his churchy message is getting through. When I heard he had a book, I thought "Jesus Christ!"
More on Costaki, including where to find him doing stand up, at www.costaki.com