"Wow, she's gained so much weight."
"She really looks terrible."
"I can't believe how big she is."
This is what I imagine people say about me when I walk out of a room.
When I get up from the table to go to the bathroom. When I go to get my car from the valet. When I walk to the bar to grab another round of drinks. Even when I am still sitting right there in front of them, the words run in a scroll through my mind, a news ticker only I can see that broadcasts what I am so certain everyone must be thinking.
I stopped into my New York office before leaving for a two-week trip to Italy. I obsessed for weeks in advance about how I would face colleagues I hadn't seen in six months and what they would surely think of me once they saw me now. I anticipated conversations where I could plead with them, "Remember, I didn't always look this way?! Remember, I used to be thin?!? Please, remember?"
The lingering rational part of my mind reasons that most likely no one is talking about me. And if they are, it's probably not about the pounds I have gained. But still, the thoughts cut through rhyme and reason and stick there, adhered to my brain and seared into my heart.
I arrived in Tuscany for my second Manifestation Yoga retreat, this time with my extra literal and figurative baggage. Set amongst rolling hills, with a view of the Monteriggioni castle, Ebbio is an 800-year old farmhouse complete with roosters who function as alarm clocks, wild horses who nuzzle your hand looking for food and a tree-covered trellis that is suspended above the communal table where all food is served. It is, in a word, picturesque. It is, in a feeling, home.
It is also, as I settled in, the place where I would fully face the demons that have become my daily companions of late.
The fears from New York remained; multiplied, perhaps. This group would see beyond even what those in my office saw.
I couldn't hide a fuller stomach under a billowing dress, just as I couldn't hide my shame with self-deprecating jokes. Here, it all shows. Amidst the yoga pants and the bikinis, the massages and the acupuncture, the tears and the laughter, everything here demands to be seen and felt. Here, you wear your heart on the outside.
It took me until the last day on my first yoga retreat to say the words I have an eating disorder. They came out on the first day at Ebbio. I surrendered. I can't trust that what I see in myself is real. It is time to let others show me the truth.
When we wrote our 5 Most Beautiful Things (a project started by our retreat leader Jennifer Pastiloff) about each other, none of the letters from my friends mentioned weight or pants size. When we were asked to describe ourselves as others see us, the words "fat" and "gross" were not among those used. It is time to remove those words from my vocabulary. It is time to end this book, finally, and begin another. It is time to say goodbye.
On our second class, on a Sunday evening in the middle of asanas and flowing and crying and sharing came the directive, "Write a letter of closure."
And so it follows, the beginning of the end.
Dear Eating Disorder,
This is a Dear John letter. The time has come for us to say goodbye. You have been a loyal companion since my teenage years. We were high school sweethearts, I guess. Though at times I made attempts at finding love elsewhere, I could never forget you. I always returned. You worked your way into my heart and my soul back when they were still discovering what should actually be there, and you convinced me that I could not live without you. And naively, I believed you. You tricked me. You lied to me. You made me hate me. Sometimes I even hated you. But I was never ready to close the proverbial door on you.
It is time. It was time. It was never time. How did you ever even get here in the first place? It doesn't really matter now.
You will be moving out soon. You can take the flatscreen TV and the fancy chandelier and even the complicated wine opener. You can take it all. You don't deserve any of it, of course, but I will give them to you in order to ensure your leaving.
I don't wish you well. I don't hope you will find a soulmate in someone else one day. I don't pray for your future happiness. I'm sure you understand. Or maybe not. That's fine too. It doesn't matter anymore, as long as you are gone.
Please leave the keys when you go. I am still going to change the locks, because I don't trust that you didn't make copies, and I suspect you will show up and try to let yourself in again. But it's symbolic, so leave them behind on the counter with the garage door opener and my heart.
It's over. This is your eviction notice. Your contract will not be renewed. We are done.
Do not call. Do not write. Do not text me for a booty call at 1 a.m. on a lonely Saturday night. Don't tweet me. Don't tag me in your Instagram pictures, attempting to make me nostalgic. Just go, and stay gone.
It. Is. Over. É Finita in Italy.
PS: I know it's customary to say, "It's not you, it's me." But it IS you. It's NOT ME. And that's why this must end now.