My Brothers and Sisters in raising these special humans:
As I was walking my two autistic children (My daughter, who is 7, is very high functioning autistic. My son, who is 6, is severely autistic) to school the other morning, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between a mom and one of the school supervisors that were outside. It went something like this….
School Supervisor: Ma’am, this is a handicapped parking stall, you can’t park here.
Mom: I know, my son is autistic and he’s terrified of going to school. He’s crying right now he’s so upset….
School Supervisor: You should still have the parking placard to park here….
I wasn’t able to listen to the rest. It seemed as though she got her kiddo out and the morning continued. It really got me thinking, however. When my wee ones were smaller, my boys were both huge flight risks. B-man has been nearly struck by a vehicle on several occasions when he was younger. I did a lot of research into getting a parking placard to ensure the safety of my boys when we were out and about.
In Alberta, the law is very clear that in order to receive a parking placard to utilize a handicapped parking space, one must be physically unable to walk 50 meters or more. Unfortunately it IS that simple. I looked into procuring a letter from our pediatrician etc., but to no avail. The law is the law.
What has sparked my desire to write this is the realization that so many of us parents are utilizing our child’s diagnosis(es in some cases. Mine to be specific, as all 3 of my children are diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder) as a crutch to obtain special treatment, as the aforementioned Mother did in my earlier example.
This is not helping our cause. This is HURTING our cause.
While it would be fantastic to obtain a parking placard and utilize the handicapped parking areas when alone with my 3 autistic children, I can’t help but to think of all the Mom’s out there who are driving around their little one’s who may have severe cerebral palsy (or some other physical or mental disability), and require the use of a wheelchair. Doesn’t it make more sense that a Mom who has the added burden of dealing with a wheelchair, transferring her child from vehicle to wheelchair, taking the time required to safely strap said child into the wheelchair, and then dealing with whatever other children she may have, doesn’t it make sense that she have the spot?
To broaden this idea (because really, at the end of the day, a parking space is nothing to lose sleep over) and really delve into the purpose of this letter, I must admit that on more than one occasion I have heard “my son/daughter is Autistic…” as a request for special treatment somehow, or as an excuse for poor behaviour on the child’s (or parent for that matter) part.
Because I have 3 children on the spectrum with varying severities, I have become quite aware as to the limitations that their varying severities inflict. I’m certainly able to expect more out of my 7 year old high functioning Autistic Daughter, than my 6 year old severely Autistic Son. She receives support through an Aide at school, but she functions well (for the most part) in her mainstream classroom. My 6 year old however, he requires full support. He is in a special needs classroom, and has the full time support of an Aide the moment he is dropped off, to the moment he is picked up. Children on the Autism Spectrum are all so different, and beautifully unique in their challenges they face. There is no cookie cutter method of approaching their lives. It truly is case by case.
Here’s the deal. I have found for the most part that unless you live in the world of Autism, you don’t understand the world of Autism. There is such a lack of information that the public have on Autism, and while education is the key, I can’t stress enough that as parents, we need to ensure that we aren’t abusing our children’s diagnosis to make things easier for US. When parents use their child’s Autism diagnosis constantly as an excuse, we lose credibility in the eyes of the public. I’ve been to countless swimming lessons, dance lessons, play groups, you name it; there seems to be so much resentment held towards Autism. I’ve lost friends due to ignorant comments made about Autism “Geez, everyone has a diagnosis now….my child acts that way and isn’t Autistic…..20 years ago there was no Autism…..” the list goes on and on. I believe as an Autism Mom that my responsibility lies first and foremost in the care of my children, and being the best damn advocate I can be for them. I want to help my children, not hinder them. By abusing their diagnosis into receiving special treatment (no matter how large or small) we are creating an unpleasant image of the world of Autism, and that doesn’t help move things forward towards the enlightening of our society as to what Autism is, and how it affects our lives on a daily basis. There is a difference between fair treatment, and special treatment. Advocating and insisting on fair treatment is something all Autism parents should be fighting for…..trying to receive special treatment because it may make your life marginally easier…I would dare say that it just makes things worse. It perpetuates this image of Autism families trying to “milk the system” thereby ensuring that those who don’t live, in or understand our world, resent all of us who do.
I can’t say I blame them.
When I go to the grocery store, and I see someone abuse a handicapped parking stall (either by not having a placard, or by having a placard and clearly not being the party whom the placard was intended for.) I get pissed off.
Let’s stop giving those less educated than us a reason to resent this diagnosis! We should be advocating and fighting for what is FAIR, not for special privileges that go beyond what is truly necessary.
In hopes of illustrating what I’m trying to convey more clearly, I will offer one final personal example.
It is truly necessary that my Son is in a special classroom. It is truly necessary that he has an Aide with him from the moment he is dropped off until the moment he is picked up. It is truly necessary that he receive support not only at school, but at home from a Psychologist, a Speech Language Pathologist, and an Occupational Therapist on a regular basis. He needs it. All of it. For him to have the best possible chance at having a decent quality of life, he needs it.
For me to request identical services for my 7 year old daughter would be unnecessary to the extreme. What is necessary for her success looks very different than what is necessary for B-man’s success.
FAIR does not always mean EQUAL.
I’m quite sure this next part will not be pertinent to many of you fine Autism parents, but for those of you who need to hear this, hear it loud and clear…..
If you think that you deserve special treatment as some sort of “compensation” for having to deal with a child that has a disability, let me assure you, the greatest “compensation” I have ever received in raising 3 Autistic children, is the blessing of being their Mom. These beautiful perfect souls have such a unique and untainted view of mankind, and of this world. They see things in such a way that one could only dream of seeing. Their unique gifts they carry, the special challenges they face, it is all worth it. My 3 perfect children who have Autism have taught me more about life, love, and what really matters better than anyone ever could. Is it easy? Hell no. Uh uh. No effin way. It is has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It’s exhausting. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I am absolutely tapped out at the end of the day…..every day. Throw in the fighting with FSCD, the school division, teachers, aides, family members, over what is fair for your child, and it pushes you to a limit that is absolutely at the point of breaking. But oh, it’s all worth it. The proudest title I have ever worn is Autism Mom. It’s all the “compensation” I need or want.
The rest of you, keep kicking ass. Being an Autism parent is not for the faint of heart, and you’re doing it! Keep on keeping on, these beautiful souls are counting on us.
Signed,
Autism Mom of 3.
As always, this is merely my opinion (mighty as I believe it is) and if you don’t agree with it, that’s certainly your prerogative. I welcome constructive dialogue. Rude, offensive, or defamatory comments will be deleted.