Photo by Laurent Levy
I was going through my files the other day, when I came across a raw piece of writing I had journaled several months ago. It had been a cathartic process for me; an opportunity to see where I had been limiting myself in my judgements of another person and recognize my past unwillingness to feel into the pain of my wounded heart.
I had chosen to write a letter to the woman by whom I had felt most threatened and in doing so I gained clarity on the energy I had been carrying and how I had been unconsciously moving through the world from a broken place. From this process, I was able to create the necessary space required to let go of my resentment and heal my pain.
I never thought I'd actually share this personal piece of my heart with anyone and yet here it is:
To the new love of his life,
I want to apologize to you for projecting my insecurities and feelings of unworthiness onto you and your relationship with my ex. What you share with him is none of my business and while you entered his life at a time when I was not ready to endure the blow to my heart, I can no longer blame you for my agony.
I want to apologize to you for every comparison I have ever made - I am sorry for all the time I spent putting you down in order to make myself feel better about who I am, what I look like and what I have to offer to men. I was falling apart and didn't know how to piece myself back together.
I want to apologize for all the stalking I did via social media and every hurtful thing I wished upon you in seeing photos of the two of you together - none of it was real on my part as it all stemmed from my own grief, my own fears and my own confusion around how he could choose another woman over me.
I want to apologize for the dirty stares, for the gossip spread, for the nasty comments made, and for the army of friends that I built to stand by my side and go to war for me if need be. I became the villain because I felt broken beyond repair.
I want to apologize for minimizing your worth as an attempt to maximize my own, for trying to tear you down so to falsely build myself up. I was terrified within the coming undone.
There are no excuses for my behavior. However, I choose to take responsibility now.
My heart shattered and I felt lost. Fragmented while stifled by a thick anguish that made it hard to breathe and I turned the other way. I made you my scapegoat so to steer my attention away from my bleeding heart and focus my energy on blaming you for the misery I would not confront.
It doesn't matter who you are, what you did, or how you ended up together - the truth that I had to eventually own was that he didn't choose me, he chose you. And the deeper truth, which I finally see, is that he could have never chosen me because I wasn't choosing myself.
Your presence has forced me to look at all the areas where I was not living authentically, where I wasn't honoring myself and where I was being a coward in shaming you rather than taking dominion over what I didn't want to feel.
When he chose you, I felt like a fraction of a person... And yet, I finally recognize that my wholeness was not, nor will it ever be, dependent on another human being and I could not have learned this lesson without you.
From my vulnerable heart to yours...
I'm sorry, please forgive, thank you, I love you.