When I was a little girl, my mom was the most important person to me. I loved spending time with her. Whether it was baking cookies together in the kitchen with the radio playing oldies music in the background, singing songs in the car together on the way to book sales, or her singing “You Are My Sunshine” to me before I fell asleep, all of my special moments were with her. She always resembled “home” and that was where my heart was. She represented safety and love, like a warm blanket at night that kept me safe from all the bad things in the world. I never thought anyone would have to take that place when I got older.
When I was 18, I moved out and began my post high school life. She and I were always in contact, even when she moved an hour north of me. I would drive up almost every weekend, call her during the week, and we would trade emails when we weren't on the phone. Through all the changes in my life, she kept me grounded. And the fact that we lived in such close proximity together played a huge part in how close we were.
As I grew up, we had our “things” that we did together as mother and daughter: book sales, clothes shopping, Christmas light looking around the neighborhood, sending each other links to cute animals, fancy shoes we couldn’t afford, jewelry we fell in love with, etc. It would be fair to say I took it for granted because I figured she and all the things we did together would always be there. Nothing would ever change.
I’m now 26 and it wasn't until just earlier this year that I realized my relationship with my mom would be shifting eventually. I met Aaron, my now boyfriend, and he moved in with me just three days before my mom and stepdad moved 3,000 miles away to Florida. Before they moved, I had been excited about my new life with Aaron. We were now an official “adult couple,” living together and sharing bills. The reality of what would change between my mom and I had not sunk in.
It hit me pretty quickly (as in a day after my mom left) that life as I knew it was over. As excited as I was for my relationship with Aaron to progress and take on a life of its own, I kept getting caught in moments where I would remember I would no longer have my mom around. For 26 years, she had always been within an hour’s car drive of me. Now she was a whole plane ride away and I couldn't exactly pick up and move closer to her like I had so easily before.
To say I was in shock for that first month without her nearby wouldn't be an understatement. For 25 years, as hard as it is to believe, I sort of thought my life would always revolve around my mom and what she was doing with her life. I didn't know life without her and it scared me to picture what might happen. Figuring out my own independence and how to make myself a home with my partner was my new mission in life. But it was scary as hell to think about doing that because I was afraid life without her nearby wouldn't be as great.
“Adulting” is a word my generation likes to use to explain doing grownup things, such as having a 9-5 job, paying bills, cooking a homemade dinner instead of ordering in, etc. I had never related more to this word than after my mom left because I realized “adulting” also meant something else a little more deep: discovering and then learning life lessons I can’t learn with my mom in my life.
She wasn’t able to teach me how to make myself a home within myself. I had to figure that out on my own. She could advise me as much as I asked for, but ultimately I would be the one living out my life. I had to first accept the reality of my mom leaving and Aaron taking the role of the most important person in my life, then actively practice going to Aaron and telling him the things I once always told my mom first.
I will always think of her as my home, only now she isn’t my only home. The link between my mom and me may have lengthened 3,000 miles, but unlike what I thought before, that doesn’t mean it disappears entirely. I’m not losing a home, I’m just creating another.
My new home is now with Aaron. We’re eight months into our relationship and he still gently reminds me to not always run to my mom anytime something happens in my life. I still talk to my mom about things, but now I need to retrain my mind to run to Aaron too. My mom used to be my secret keeper (okay, she still sometimes is), but now I have another secret keeper in Aaron. He's also the person I laugh the most with. Plus, I've learned there are some things I can joke and talk about with Aaron about that I couldn't with my mom, whether it was because of the age difference or different senses of humor.
To my knowledge, there isn’t a “Life Lessons 101” class available to youth to take in school. We only learn by doing; mental preparation for the serious stuff - such as a parent moving away - isn’t always possible. But the thing about not being prepared for something is that in the end, you realize you were going to be fine all along, and that you’re stronger than you thought you were.