Dear Presidential Contender,
Despite media reports, the race is not sown up. Some voters still need convincing. If you're going to win over Bernie's supporters, you'll need to fill out this multiple choice form:
1. An application for the Keystone XL pipeline version 2 arrives on your desk. Do you:
a) Approve it immediately
b) Deny it immediately
c) Waffle back and forth on it, testing various constituencies, letting it "play out" in the "court of public opinion," while using the threat of environmental destruction to raise funds from Silicon Valley billionaires who drive Teslas. Then eventually approve the pipeline, once the fundraisers become less lucrative, saying you "had no choice." Try to balance it out with an executive order creating a wilderness reserve somewhere with no recoverable fossil fuels underground.
2. Your ideal Supreme Court Justice nominee is:
a) Henry Kissinger
b) John Kerry
c) Any old white guy will do
d) A younger Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Putin sneezes. Do you:
a) Pass a $2 trillion defense budget that includes everything on the wish list from the defense industry.
b) Say "Guzundheit."
c) Practice a containment strategy that involves economic and diplomatic means rather than escalating armaments.
4. An intelligence agency proposes "full spectrum surveillance" of all Americans. Do you:
a) Approve every request and add more, making sure to bypass judicial and congressional oversight.
b) Demand to know why, and advocate for civil liberties and Constitutional protections for the public.
5. Guantanamo Bay prison should be:
a) Closed as soon as possible.
b) Kept open as long as possible.
6. Torture is:
a) Fine as long as an attorney or intelligence chief says it is.
b) Not OK, not part of the Geneva Conventions, shameful.
c) Not a good way to get intelligence.
7. The CEO of Goldman Sachs calls you up. Do you:
a) Tell all your staff to leave the room and take the call immediately, saying, "Hi Jamie, what can do for you today?"
b) Have the call routed to the lowest intern in the phone tree, and have them take a message which will be placed in lower priority than the million other things on your to do list.
c) Have the call routed to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and/or Elizabeth Warren's office.
8. A liberal member of Congress asks for your support for a climate bill that includes an escalating price on carbon. Do you:
a) Laugh and say, "That will never pass. You need to be more realistic. How about a bill that expands fracking or something like that instead?"
b) Provide support for the bill, and include parts of it in your Administration's Climate Plan. When touring the country, use the bully pulpit and the Sunday talk shows to promote the ideas.
c) Convene business leaders who support a carbon price, speak at conferences about the benefits of carbon pricing, and have various agencies working on economic issues write up reports on how it would positively affect the economy. Use those reports to combat climate deniers and delayers.
d) Shrug your shoulders before even attempting anything and say "I'm someone who gets things done, just not that." And "I'll fight for you, but I get to pick only easy fights."
9. At a meeting where Congressional leaders are discussing the future of Social Security, do you:
a) Agree with the conservatives that Social Security must be abolished because it is too expensive.
b) Strive to achieve a "grand bargain" that balances the budget while abolishing Social Security.
c) Fight to preserve Social Security and even expand it.
d) Do whatever the latest polling data tell you to do to get re-elected, because that is the most important thing, in this - and in all - issues.
10. What are your most important priorities for the next 4 years:
a) Not starting World War III.
b) Getting yourself re-elected.
c) Doing things to help the 99% (not the 1%).
d) Making high-profile wealthy connections who will donate to your Foundation after you leave office.
e) Solving major societal problems by thinking outside of the box.
f) Maintaining the status quo, and ignoring the dissatisfaction expressed by voters during the primary election season.
g) Suppressing dissent.
h) Addressing the social justice issues raised by Black Lives Matter and others.
i) Following the advice that if everyone is mad at you, then you must be doing something right.
j) Getting yourself a Nobel Prize so you can "Keep up with the Obamas."
k) Making a pop album with Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, something along the lines of "We are the World."
l) Infuriating Sanders supporters as often as possible as payback for making you campaign longer and harder than you wanted to.
If you answered: 1. b 2. d 3. b and c 4. b 5. a 6. b and c 7. b and c 8. b and c 9. c 10. a, c, e, and h
...then you have a chance to pick up Bernie's supporters, and win the election in November.
But if you picked other answers, then you are taking your chances with the mysterious "center" aka "moderates" (if such a thing exists), and if you happen to win in November, liberals will have a long 4 years, but then you better watch out for Warren 2020.