Dear Anxiety,
I will be honest I'm not afraid of death,
I have a belief, I have a spiritual connection
I know there is more than this.
I'm afraid of time.
The way the clock ticks,
taunting me every second --
I'm afraid I won't have enough of it.
I notice how quickly the hours in the day pass, and the weeks and the months, and years,
the sun sets, the sun rises.
I can't imagine a life without my parents,
they are a soul in me,
when they leave, I'm not sure if I'll ever be as bright as I was.
I don't fear not falling in love (again)
because I noticed I don't need anyone to live,
I don't fear a broken heart because I have had one --
dead and weightless -- I revived it myself.
I do fear isolation.
I fear the way I now look at people,
that I put a cage around my heart,
When eyes meet mine I look down,
that I create my own loneliness out of fear that I can't find what I thought I lost.
I fear people won't understand my soul.
I'm a cluster of starbursts and ancient moons -- that I'm too different, not ordinary enough -- and no one would want the sunflower in a bed of peonies.
I'm terrified that I keep these thoughts bottled up inside me, that I'm a life sentenced prisoner in my mind, of worries, 'what ifs' -- that this anxiety in my chest is going to eat at my heart taking away from the beauty of life in its truest form.
I fear that I have no purpose.
(yet everyone tells me differently)
I fear that no matter how hard I work I will be a failure to myself.
I fear that I won't feed my hunger,
the depths of my mind that I want to feed -
I want the meaning to know how to end suffering,
answers to the riddles of love and life
I don't just want a career - - I want a life.
To reflect at 80 years old and be proud of what I have left.
I fear the word "happiness" --
I fear people have taken away the true meaning..
happiness, happiness, happiness.
with the the amount of likes on a photo, the portrayal of what people think looks like happiness, a toned body, a vacation in bali, a mansion.
The preaching of how to be happy, to medicate, to mediate, to appreciate....
I fear people won't shut up and actually listen to what they are hiding.
Happiness is an internal journey,
love, sex, and people can add to that journey
but I see people have all of it- the "complete package"
money, fame, fortune, love,
and happiness is still missing.
I fear that I will not be able to unlock the depths of me,
I fear that no one is listening that I'm screaming in a crowded room,
i fear that no one truly cares,
i fear that i care too much, that i feel too much
i fear that my heart on my sleeve is suffering,
being bruised and picked at like a scab for the enjoyment of others --
I fear how the world is changing, and I don't know where I fit.
Yours until I heal,
A Constant (art) Work In Progress.
Originally posted on Medium
Demetra is a writer and poet her first book of Poetry: Love Letters In The Wall: Agapé Edition is coming soon.
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If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of anxiety, please contact your doctor.
If you -- or someone you know -- need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.