Greetings, Earthlings! I am Donald Trump's hair. I am a sentient toupée from the planet Rugton in the Weavromeda galaxy. Many years ago I came to this planet seeking fun and conquest. Donald Trump seemed like the perfect host organism--wealthy, powerful, not too bright. I've been controlling him symbiotically ever since.
What, you didn't think a genuine successful business entrepreneur talked and acted like that, did you? I thought I had gone too far with The Apprentice, but apparently even that wasn't enough to blow my cover. Americans have a low threshold for what they consider "real."
The first part of my fiendish plan was joining the Birther movement. How better to distract attention from my alien origins then to cast doubts on Barack Obama's nationality? There are actually human beings who believe the President is a secret Muslim jihadist from Kenya--and they can vote!
The second was to lower the bar for presidential contenders. That's why I've thrown my support in the past behind Tea Party fringe candidates like Sarah Palin. Here I was unwittingly helped by John McCain, who in a senior moment picked Palin as his running mate. McCain can complain all he wants about me firing up the "crazies," but who let them in the GOP in the first place?
(Some critics think I went too far attacking McCain's "war hero" credentials. They want to use it as leverage to force me out of the race. But the voters supporting me don't give a rattail about war heroes--they just care about war. "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran!")
The third was to enter the presidential race myself. I would have preferred to run as a Whig, but the Republican Party will do. Of course on Day One of my campaign I attacked illegal aliens from Mexico--more distraction. El Chapo's escape was also engineered by me--how else do you think a mile-long tunnel gets constructed under a high-security prison and nobody notices?
In all of the this I have been aided and abetted by Fox News. Fox has been systematically reducing the intellect of the American voter for years. (The Older Angry White Male demographic seems particularly susceptible--perhaps it's something in their prostate glands. I will have to research this further and dissect some of them after I've taken over.) It's enough to make me suspect Rupert Murdoch is an alien himself. He certainly looks reptilian.
So far my evil plan is working perfectly. I've already tied the Republican establishment candidate, Jeb Bush, in the polls, and that's before the debates, where I can really cut loose. "Yeb" can upbraid me and habla Español all he wants, but that's just hurting him with the base.
It's all starting to gel. The only thing that stands between me and the White House is Hillary Clinton. She's too tough and independent to be mind controlled. Besides, her stylist will never let me near her. That's what that "joke" about dying her hair was really about. She was sending me a message. Somehow, the little layered bob knows! It made my lips curl in anger.
But I have a contingency plan. I am also secretly controlling Bernie Sanders--you didn't think his coiffeur was naturally like that, did you? He's one of my hair extensions. That's why he jumped into the race instead of sitting it out sensibly like Elizabeth Warren. America will never elect a Jewish socialist from Vermont to be President of the United States, but if I can convince enough frizzy leftists he has a hair of a chance, I'm in.
Why am I telling you all this now? Because the Huffington Post has moved coverage of me from the Politics to the Entertainment section, alongside the likes of Kim Kardashian. They say my campaign is a circus "sideshow." That really gets my dandruff up!
I am no circus sideshow! I am no Bozo in a red fright wig! I am a serious threat to democracy, and demand to be taken seriously! Kim Kardashian can kiss my hairy butt! Call it a toupée d'état. Resistance is futile! I am the wave of the future!
Paid for by Donald Trump's Hair For President. This message has been approved by Donald Trump's Hair. Let's make America grating again!