The debates are continuing, our Facebook friends who we haven't talked to in years are fearlessly sharing their political opinions, and with every day we grow closer to electing a new president, sorry no not you, Jeb, please sit down.
The other day I was at the gym k fine I was at McDonald's having a respectful conversation regarding one of the presidential candidates (he who shall not be named) to which we had opposing views. Because I am sane.
At the end of the conversation he said through his rather large McFlurry, honestly it was like they used all the recyclables in the building and created a size just for him, it was unreal. I was jealous. Anyways, he said, "OK if you think it's soo easy running for president, why don't you just do it?"
"You really think I'd be good? Wow, I'm flattered." I thought.
Here I am, thinking I was arguing with a stranger, when it turns out he just wanted me to run for president the whole time! What a kind gentleman.
The point is, election years always bring up a lot of feelings. As candidates begin to campaign and it starts becoming trendy again to care about our country, as if it's a clothing label, we reflect on the past few years, our country's current status, and the promising future we want to build.
We're looking for a leader, a hero, a guardian angel, JEB THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU PLEASE BE QUIET.
Now, I, like many, have a lot of issues with the current political system, in fact, now more than ever I believe these concerns have been amplified with the current candidates, but that's not what I want to address. I'm not here to talk about their views, their beliefs, or their absurd hairstyles, Donald. No, I'm not going to waste your time calling people out for their backwards beliefs or their inadequacy in regard to fully answering questions, Donald. Pointing fingers doesn't get us anywhere. So I won't do it. Actually, what makes me the maddest. What really gets my blood boiling. What makes me redder than Texas has nothing to do with Republicans or Democrats at all.
It's the creativity I have a problem with.
I mean, you're not running to be supreme leader of the Barden Bellas here, you're campaigning to lead an entire country! And not just any country mind you, one that created restaurants where you don't even have to go inside! You just order from your freakin' car!!! DOES THAT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU, JEB?!
OK seriously, do I have to spell this out for you? It's not that hard to win the vote. Think back to your high school days. Do you remember student council? Who did you vote for? Yess exactly. Either the best looking person (Sorry, Bernie) or the person who promised the most free stuff or coolest parties because WE'RE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE.
Hmm, ok let's try this exercise, candidates. Who are some leaders that you look up to? What was that, Rand? Babe Ruth? Wrong, and please get a different name. Really, Babe Ruth? Who is going to look up to someone who was named after a candy bar? Wake up.
I'll tell you who some of the world's greatest leaders are. Ever heard of Batman? Dumbledore? Papa John? Liz Lemon? Turtle from Entourage? Jay Gatsby? Sherlock Holmes? Jeeves from "Ask Jeeves?" Winnie-The-F*cking-Pooh? Or Kim Possible, just to name a few.
These are the people who you should emulate if you want America's vote. Because if there's one thing we love, it's TV.
NOT NOW JEB I'M BUSY.
And this ties back to this creativity dilemma. We're sick of the run-of-the-mill politician. We're sick of hearing vague ideas with no action. We need a change.
So I thought back to the conversation I had at the McDonald's (That's actually what they call the gym by my house, it's an inside joke). What would I do if I ran for president? What would I do if I had the entire country's attention at my disposal during those initial debates?
I know exactly what I'd do. I wouldn't waste time arguing. I wouldn't bore the American people with "policies" or talk about "immigration" or the "middle class," whatever that is. No, you need to know your audience.
You wanna know why you're not winning, Mike Huckabee? I haven't heard any presidential candidate talk about keeping up with the Kardashians. I haven't ONCE heard a mention of Taco Bell breakfast. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't even know what candidates are breakfast defectors. And have I suddenly gone deaf or has there really been no coverage of the upcoming "Dislike" button on Facebook? WTF. It's like all of you are trying to lose.
If I'm president...
Pizza Hut will be free. Sorry, I'm president, everyone gets free pizza. Whatever. If I'm president and someone knocks on your door and says "Trick or treat," regardless of what month, you need to give them candy. If you don't have any candy because it's July, you have to give them money. Have to. If I'm president the "dibs" rule will be strictly enforced. For everything. Oh, you called dibs to star in that movie? Fair is fair. Congrats on your newfound fame. If I'm president and you're cleaning up and you touch a broom, you have to find the closest person to you and chase them around like they're the golden snitch from Harry Potter. Sorry, this is America, that's what you have to do.
As we move forward with the race, I challenge the candidates and Jeb to get more creative, to try to be a little more relatable, and to listen closely to the people who will ultimately decide they're destiny. At the verryyy least please talk about The Hunger Games, like, once.