A Modest Proposal: Deport All White Males from America

Shy business man peeking behind a white wall
Shy business man peeking behind a white wall

Jacob Stewart is an American white male and, therefore, a huge threat to U.S. security. He is not a hypocrite, however, and currently resides in a foreign country.

The Paris attacks have demonstrated the need to prioritize security. Accordingly, it was smart of many U.S. state governors to ban all refugees from settling in their states. Yet I suggest we go one step further--this is security, after all.

We must commit to policy action that will substantially increase the safety of our citizens. After analyzing the data on mass shootings across the United States, I have proposed a policy solution that, I believe, would achieve just that.

We must deport all white men from America.

The evidence speaks for itself. Since 2000, 23 out of the 40 mass shootings that occurred (where the assailant was known) were by white men. This equates to roughly 57%. Contrast this to the latest demographic statistics from the Census Bureau, where roughly 62% of the country identifies as non-Hispanic white. This means that white males (being half of all whites, the other half being female) make up just 31% of the total population--far less than their representation in mass shootings. Hence, white males are disproportionately more likely to commit a mass shooting and should be deported immediately.

The messages put forth by our political leaders have inspired this policy. The wise Ted Cruz recently stated that "We can't roll the dice with the safety of Americans and bring in people for whom there is an unacceptable risk." He is absolutely right, and those dice are heavily weighted by the mere presence of white males. That is scary. I am more than certain Cruz would agree.

Cruz also pointed out that at least one Syrian refugee was involved in the Paris attacks; therefore, it would be ludicrous to bring in more. Applying this logic, far more than one white male has attacked the United States. So it must follow that it would be preposterous not to remove them. The word preposterous just feels right.

Removing white males has other benefits. For example, it will finally end the gun control debate in the United States. If you remove white males from society, then you are removing those most likely to use a gun for mass shootings. Therefore, citizens will feel better about the gun privileges afforded to them by the Constitution.

Of course, the NRA is mostly made up of white males. Consequently, this policy will remove the majority of those who want guns in the first place. Coincidence? I think not.

I also imagine that removing white males will increase equality in the United States. Without their presence, women and minorities stand a far better chance at moving up the social ladder.

Some might call this policy discriminatory. But security and inclusiveness are two mutually exclusive concepts. French inclusiveness of refugees resulted in a tragic incident. American inclusiveness of white males has killed hundreds as well. If we want better security, then the trade-off is inevitable.

Implementation won't be easy--angry white men can be quite difficult to transport across the border. Therefore, it is recommended to build golf courses, baseball fields, and bowling alleys at their new places of resettlement. This will make their removal a much smoother process.

I also recommend deporting white males to an area with a lot of space and very few guns. So far, Siberia is the most promising location.

The time to act is now. Americans should not wait for an inevitable attack by another white male. Contact your local representative and demand change today.