A Night on the Town With Joe the Plumber

By Brian Oxman and Kathryn Milofsky

The hottest interview around was Joe the Plumber. Everyone was after him. Like Gary Cooper in the 1941 Frank Kapra classic "Meet John Doe," they hid Joe in New York and the news media had the bloodhounds looking for him from the dump to the YMCA to the Plaza.

But nobody knew where Joe was.

Just like Barbara Stanwick who played Ann Mitchell in "Meet John Doe," my radio co-host Kathryn Milofsky figured it out. You see Fox News had gotten to Joe first, and they had an exclusive deal with him to do their shows.

There are 8 million places to hide in Gotham, and you'd think Rupert Murdoch would find the best. But Kathryn, who is as pretty as Barbara Stanwick and just as smart, was bound to beat everyone to the story. She knew they weren't going to put him in The Millennium, the Renaissance, or another mucky-muck place because that was too obvious.

Instead, they'd put him a small boutique hotel. The Muse had just opened, and it was ritzy, exclusive, and only blocks away from Fox. Where else would Fox hide their most prized possession, Dr. Watson?

Kathryn was way smarter than the 5th Graders they have over there at Fox.

She went to The Muse, and there was Joe Wurzelbacher, the famous Joe the Plumber, standing in the lobby. When she called me with Joe, his dad, and his son on the phone, I was astounded.

You see, this all started in Holland, Ohio, when Obama thought he would be a real smart guy, meet regular people, and make it look like he was an ordinary Barack. Barack? No way that sounds like an ordinary Joe! Great move David Plouffe aka Campaign Manager. Weren't you the guy who sent Obama into Saddleback Church where John McCain and Pastor Rick Warren put him through a meat grinder that flipped the polls in McCain's favor? Those polls never would have flipped back except for the economic debacle on Wall Street.

Next time, David, eat a cookie and drink some milk.

When Obama showed up in Holland, the real deal, the real Joe, was playing football with his son, Joe, Jr., in the street. The Men in Black arrived and told him to clear out because Obama was coming. Excuse me, Joe said, this was his street, and just who did Obama think he was to occupy Joe's street?

When Joe met Obama, he asked the candidate about his tax plan because it meant Joe couldn't afford to buy a business that earned him $250,000 a year. Obama gave him a song and dance about his tax that nobody understood and then slipped in a line about redistributing wealth. What were you thinking, Obama?

Looks like Obama had saved a left over self-destruct line from Saddleback Church. Redistributing wealth? Since you think you were sent by your father Jor-El from Krypton to save the planet, you might as well be saying Kryptonite.

McCain couldn't believe his luck and brought up the Obamination 23 times during the third debate. When McCain next spoke in Toledo, he accused Obama of making wealth distribution more important than economic growth, and Joe the Plumber was the centerpiece of his speech. Sarah Palin referred to Obama's encounter with "Joe the Plumber" when she spoke in West Chester where a banner in the crowd read, "Obama is a Socialist/Marxist."

Overnight, Joe Wurzelbacher was Joe the Plumber, and everyone wanted him.

Kathryn took Joe's family out on the town in New York on Sunday. They went to this great place in Little Italy called Grotta Azzurra, and the locals gawked when Joe walked it. Cameras snapped and Joe autographed his picture from 50 copies of the Post and Daily News. Everyone wanted to touch him.

His son, Joe Jr., had bought a Joe the Plumber T-Shirt when his dad became famous. He was so proud. Now Little Joe was a celebrity too, and everyone wanted a picture with him.

During dinner, Joe told stories about how John McCain called to apologize for all the trouble the media had caused. Mike Huckabee was sending Joe a fishing pole because he knew how much Joe liked salmon fishing. Joe thought New York was amazing, and he was "chuffed" to be in the Big Apple.

A crowd gathered at the front door, and Joe's family ran the gauntlet when they left, until Joe stopped to sign autographs and take pictures. When Joe tried to catch a taxi, the crowds rained down like a cataract. It was late, and Joe needed to get some rest because Joe was doing a radio interview with us in the morning.

We talked to Joe for our radio show, and he was cool, just like Gary Cooper's 1941 portrayal of John Doe. He was every man, and it was ironic that Obama would pretend to be an ordinary Joe only to wind up being confronted by a real Joe. To all the John Does and Joe the Plumbers out there, this is your country, you are the conscience of America, and don't you ever forget it!