A Patriotic Neighbor

Just as I was sitting down to watch NFL football this past Sunday (actually, the national anthem was about to start), I heard someone banging loudly on my front door. My neighbor CK was standing outside, bleeding and looking pretty roughed up. From there, things got weird:

(For simplicity I’ll go by my initials: USA)

USA: Dude, are you ok?.... Ah actually hold on the national anthem is starting.

CK: But wait I need…

*Door slams*

*5 minutes later*

USA: Ok- come in. But let me tell you, coming by unannounced like this during the national anthem is completely unacceptable. I'm not saying I don't care about whatever your injury is, but this is not the time.

CK: Ok, well I wasn't trying to disrespect you or the veterans but I'm bleeding (some of my family and friends are hurt as well) and this was the only way to get your attention.

USA: You are bleeding on my @#*% carpet!

CK: Sorry man, but can I just use your pho…

USA: How can you expect me to want to hear your message when you bang on my door during the anthem and bleed on my red, white and blue carpet?!

CK: I tried yelling from next door but you didn't hear me! Listen I have a knife wound to my arm and…

USA: Wait just a minute. I do see blood everywhere, but I don't know that you actually have a cut. I can't see it.

CK: Yeah it's here under my…

USA: As a matter of fact, I see you over there smoking cigarettes and eating fast food a couple of times a week. Did you know you are much more likely to die from lung cancer than from a knife wound?

CK: Yeah, I've been chewing nicotine gum and I'm dealing with that also but listen right now this cut…

USA: Why have you never banged on my door about that? It's so easy to point the finger at someone ELSE hurting you isn't it!?

CK: The two aren't related, I don't need your help with the smoking thing right now. If you were paying attention you would see that I have smoking cessation support meetings at my place all the time.

USA: Whatever. You are trying to use this whole alleged "cut" to turn attention away from the REAL issue. Which is actually smoking!

CK: I think the knife might have hit a vein, I'm starting to feel faint…

USA: WHOA WHOA! Listen, I have knives in my family, and none of us would be able to eat or survive without them. They have a hard job and it's not your place to criticize them.

CK: I have no issue with all knives! But they way they are used on my side of the fence is…

USA: I've never gotten stabbed. The smoking probably caused it. Or maybe it was one bad knife.

CK: I am not against knives! They are all different, some good some bad. I just want rules around…

USA: With all the money you make you have a lot of nerve complaining!

CK: What does that have to do with...? I can't feel my arm!

USA: Well, aren't you the victim. Listen, I never said I didn't want to help you or stop you from helping yourself by using my phone…

CK: Ok well where…

USA: I still haven't seen the wound for the record.

CK: Because you are standing all the way across the room! Don't you see all this blood? I'm telling you that my arm…

USA: My arm is fine. And it wasn't me that cut you! My family has never stabbed anyone.


USA: CK? CK? Colin?!?