We, Mrs. Gillespie's 1st Grade Class at LaPierre Elementary in a beautiful suburb of Nashville, demand the State legislature recognize our 2nd Amendment right to bare toy arms.
The recent bill passed by the House of Representatives that bans toy guns--but not daddy guns--within 150 feet of a school is just the latest government intrusion on our freedoms, but this time it's personal. The battleground is our very playground. Thankfully the bill allows actual guns in our school zones, which gives us some hope that this is still America, after all.
We ask liberty lovers everywhere to join us in our tantrum.
Playing cops and robbers, having water gun fights in the summer by the pool--these are rites of passage, integral parts of our culture passed from one sibling to the next.
Furthermore, we refuse to be left defenseless against fifth graders who know how to make spitballs. At any time, the administration could knock on our cubby doors and the Constitution guarantees our right to protect ourselves. Super Soakers are as American as tee ball and McDonald's apple pie, and if you want ours you'll have to pry them from our tiny, finger-paint stained hands.
That is why we are announcing the founding of the National Toy Gun Association. We are confident that patriotic Americans across the country will support the mission of protecting the rights of law-abiding six-year-olds, and we call on the corporate leaders of Nerf, Daisy and Maxx Action to provide most of our funding, eventually turning the group into a high-powered marketing machine ambivalent to the values of actual toy gun owners.
Its first order of business, however, is fighting this odious bill, and defending our right to carry our cap guns, water guns and laser guns anywhere we want--except, of course, at the NTGA Annual Convention (next Tuesday at recess in the multi-purpose room, unless it rains and the gym classes are playing scooter hockey in there).
Its second order of business will be getting rid of those stupid orange tips that make it harder to imagine we're Vin Diesel.
We find it ridiculous a society that trusts us to catch a bus won't trust us to pack a plastic pistol. Which is really more dangerous? Didn't you see that film strip last fall?
We are especially offended by proponents of the nanny state who are trying to turn us against our parents, saying their right to wear the guns they enjoy--and that we hope to, too, someday--is in conflict with our right to play with ours. Don't lecture us about our own safety. This is bigger than that. This is about being a child in America. This is about Freedom with what we recently learned is a capital F.
Isn't a handful of us getting massacred a small price to pay for that?
Really? Is it or isn't it? And do we or do we not deserve an America where we can play in our playgrounds as six-years-old should?
We, Mrs. Gillespie's 1st Grade Class, trust that good people will ask themselves those questions and do the right thing. We have no choice but to trust in it.
(This post is satire.)