Hello. My name is Deanie, and I'm a poll-pushing political junkie.
"HI DEANIE."
Okay...um...I have to tell you, I'm not real sure why I'm here tonight. I mean, my FAMILY says I'm addicted, that I have a problem, an obsession, if you will, but I prefer to call it my "passion."
And believe me, when it comes to political polls, hey, I can stop whenever I want. I just don't really want to right now.
I don't even LIKE polls. I don't like the taste of them. But everywhere you go, you know, hangin' out with other political jun--er--afficianados, everybody's got their poll! We're all having a great time! So yeah, you want to fit in, don't you? So you take just one little glimpse of a poll, you know, just to see how your guy is doing.
I mean, in the beginning, I didn't even really pay that much attention to polls. Remember back in the summer of 2007, Hillary was like, 20 points ahead of Obama in every single poll, and everybody was all like, She's the nominee! Woopee! Back to the Bill years! And that was depressing of course, for Obama supporters, so I just didn't imbibe. I'd glance at one, now and then, just to fit in at the party, but I didn't, like, HAVE TO HAVE ONE or anything. I'd just mainly find one poll and nurse it all day while I was cruising the ba--I mean, the Internet.
But then, in the primaries, when...
What? I kind of need to hurry it up so other people can talk? Okay, I'll fast-forward.
It was the conventions, I guess, where I first started to lose control. Just a wee bit. I wanted to know how people had responded to Obama's big speech, I mean, it was so IMPORTANT, and my anxiety was just so HIGH, so I roamed from site to site, trying to find out, but then that grumpy old creep McCain just HAD to steal the moment, right? Just HAD to announce his perky little cheerleader trophy running mate on the DAY AFTER Obama's speech, which just totally squelched the momentum, and I was all like, HEY! Are people actually FALLING for this crap???
Then the Republicans had their convention, and this airbrained bubble-head of a candidate gives her speech, and I couldn't take it any more! I HAD TO KNOW! Were we going to LOSE this thing because PEOPLE THOUGHT SHE WAS CUTE???
After that, I didn't care which poll I sniffed--Gallup, Rasmussin, NBC/Washington Post, CBS/New York Times, CNN--hell, I didn't care--I'd even check out the FOX polls!
ANYTHING to relieve this terrible anxiety! Oh my GOD!
But I still had everything under control. Really, I did. At least, I think I did. Okay, I know I did. Just don't talk to my kids or my husband or my sister or...okay never mind.
Every day I had to know--HOW WERE WE DOING IN THE SWING STATES?
WHAT DID INDEPENDENTS THINK?
HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO STILL BE "UNCOMMITTED"???
And then...
The debates.
The worst part of it, THE WORST, was that you knew the polls had to be taken, like, the next day, right? And the data analyzed and stuff. So you were really looking at THREE WHOLE DAYS to get the poll results.
I was jonesin' bad, I gotta tell you. Waiting around for those polls was AGONY.
But THEN.
In the Biden/Palin debate? That monumental TRAVESTY to all good actual real true debaters everywhere who were never actually IN a beauty pageant?
I've got three words for you.
C. N. N.
Oh baby.
That graph at the bottom of the screen? The one where a sampling of "uncommitted" moron--er--voters--sit and dial up their FEELINGS as to how they are reacting to stuff?
See, here's the problem I had with that.
I live in a remote geographical area and actually DON'T HAVE DISH T.V.
This means I don't GET CNN here at home.
So I raced over to their website, of course, BUT THE FEED WOULDN'T COME THROUGH!!!
And then she made that statement that sent me screaming across the room: that Obama, in his plan to end the war in Iraq, "wants to wave the white flag of surrender."
I lost it, then. I've sent my son and two nephews into the jaws of that Iraqi hell six different times now. How DARE she talk about "surrender"?
I had to know: WERE PEOPLE FALLING FOR THIS?
I couldn't take it. I was running all around the Internet, searching frantically, desperately, for someone, ANYONE who could SHOW ME THE GRAPH!!!
And then, quite by accident, I stumbled onto a CBS correspondent who actually showed the CNN graph as it had appeared at exactly that moment.
And I got to see that little line DROP DOWN TO HELL BABY!
Oh....sweet surrender...I've never known a political high quite like that.
It was like...calm...like warm water in the veins, you know?
Next few days, I was able to maintain, pretty well, especially because the polls were showing all kinds of great things for Obama, how he was ahead by an averaged total of EIGHT POINTS nationally over McCain, and how he was gaining, sometimes by ten or twelve points, in several crucial swing states.
Best of all: Palin was plummeting.
Man, that was some good polls, there.
I confess. I started to share them with a few close friends. And some of them started to send me polls, too.
But then.
Last night.
Oh man.
What a PERFORMANCE.
See, my daughter is a beautiful and gifted actress, a serious one who has studied in London, worked in New York, and is now in L.A. trying to make it in the biz. I'm so proud of her I'm obnoxious.
And I love her actor friends, because they are bright and beautiful and so funny--they are great mimics and good story-tellers.
But man, put 'em in front of an audience and yell, "CRY!" and they'll break down sobbing in a heartbeat.
So, the thing is, I've learned through the years how to recognize ACTING when I see it.
John McCain's got this persona, this ROLE that he plays in settings like this. He gets this rueful expression on his face, drops his voice down a peg or two, gets all syrupy and sweet, and says, "My friends," right before he insults someone.
Nobody plays John McCain better than John McCain.
I think this is why I react to him the same way I did in school when a teacher accidentally screeched the chalk across the blackboard with that high-pitched squeal.
So...I had to know.
I HAD TO KNOW!
Were people falling for the act??? Didn't they KNOW it was all fake? Don't they know that when he goes backstage he throws off his costume and becomes this mean petty little son of a bitch?
He may be a war hero, but that was then. Now, he's just as nasty as he was in high school, when they actually CALLED him "McNasty."
So I started scrounging frantically for polls.
I had to know!
DON'T JUDGE ME!
And then I found it.
Ahhhhhh. The sweetest drug of all.
Better, even, than that stupid CNN graph.
On the street, it has various names. Perhaps you've heard some of them.
"Snap Poll."
"Insta-Poll."
What difference does it make? It's all the same thing. They manage to find a few hundred people who claim they are still uncommitted, and apparently call them up before the candidates have shaken hands or the first pundit has begun pontificating, and ask them what they thought.
This is before the NEWS even starts! Before the show is even OVER!
INSTA-REACTION!
And it was good. Oh baby, it was all good. People responded to Obama sometimes 20 points higher on McCain on so many things, and overwhelmingly thought he won the debate.
I can't WAIT for the next debate and these cool polls...Wait...What?
What did you say?
You didn't just say what I think you said did you?
That if I want to be part of the Program, I have to stop checking polls COMPLETELY?
Like...cold turkey?
No more polls AT ALL?
Not even when Sarah Palin accuses Obama of being a terrorist?
How about, like, one poll a week?
No?
I'm gettin' outta here. I DON'T NEED YOU PEOPLE!
I CAN STOP WHENEVER I WANT!
You're not the boss of me! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! Who the hell are you?
Oh...my husband...
Um...I'll see you guys, like...just a few short weeks from now. After November 4.
Really. I promise.
Really.