A Private Conversation betweewn the Kushners

Note: This piece is a work of satire.

Ivanka: J Darling, the school just called to remind us about the parent teacher conference this evening.

Jared: I dearest, you know I can’t. I’m negotiating a Middle East peace treaty this evening.

I: J, this is your child, my love. Isn’t that more important? Those people have been around a long time, right? Like before there was even air conditioning, I think. And they survived. Can’t the peace deal wait until tomorrow?

J: Trust me, I wish. But Big Daddy said I had to do it by this evening. He has some other stuff he wants me to take care of, so I have to get this out of the way. And anyway, tomorrow I’ll be solving the US opiate problem.

I: And how will you do that?

J: Well, “Just say ‘no” has already been tried. I’ll have to come up with something else between now and then.

I: How about “O NO to O-piates!”

J: I’ll think about that while I’m on the plane to Israel. But now I have to pack.

I: I’m afraid to ask about dinner Thursday evening.

J: China resolution, in Peking.

I: Friday?

J: Back here to eliminate inner city violence.

I: Any day over the weekend or next week?

J: Saturday and Sunday I caddy at Mar-a-Lago, Tuesday, I reduce the federal workforce. Wednsday, I convince North Korea to become democratic. Thursday, I defeat ISIS. Friday, before the onset of Shabbos, I’m entering my strudel recipe in the Betty Croker Bake Off.

I: You are my hero, beloved.

J: Not quite. I’m still struggling with why the strudel dough was too soft the last time.

I: That’s not all that’s been too soft lately, darling.

J: I’ll work on that, I promise. Big Daddy has suggested I take on American male virility. He’s not happy about the way liberals are emasculating men.

I: What other projects will you take on?

J: Big Daddy is talking about my eliminating waste like Medicare and Social Security and school lunches, charging people to use libraries and listen to the radio, and giving massive tax breaks for anyone who is a member of a Trump golf club.

I: Whew, you do have a full plate. But you haven’t mentioned Monday. What are you doing then?

J: I’m putting on an Easter Bunny outfit and entertaining all the kids at the annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn.

I: But doesn’t Big Daddy know you are Jewish, love of my life?

J: Yes, I suspect that’s why he asked me