Greetings and salutations my sweet minions of darkness, my spicy little cornichons of cruelty and malevolence.
As much as I'd like to lash your bodies with spiked leather and pierce your flesh with scalding pokers warmed by the the immortal fires of hell because you've done such a lovely job of degregating one another in sadistic ways even I, the Sweet Prince of Darkness, could never have dreamed up, you've really gone off the rails this Halloween.
You don't deserve my sadistic love and so you shall not have it. You have gone too far.
Did you truly think I would never find out? That my winged servants of the night wouldn't catch wind of your transgressions?
FOOLISH FLESH NUGGETS. IDIOT MAN-CHILDREN! YOU LUMPISH, LIGHT BEER LOVING SYCOPHANTS!
Forgive me. You know not what you do.
There has been a lot of talk lately about cultural appropriation and costumes. Apparently, there are some bees in bonnets, some irritation, some angry and beautifully penned--if utterly delusional--articles about the deeply offensive nature of half-naked white girls wearing headdresses to wheedle a few jungle juice-induced gropings, for example.
I think you imbecilic meat-hunks need to ratchet your perspective here. You're all, "Oohhhhh the Indians, oohhhh the geishas, oohhhhh the Latinas," but you know what?!
The REAL sin here--if you will--is the appropriation of moi, Satan. Is nothing sacred on your fetid little blue orb?!
The rampant humiliation of indigenous people and marginalized communities is not only FUN--ever heard of it?!--but it's also something I like to call small potatoes.
These people are not so peachy--in fact they're shitbags. Excuse my French.
Let me remind you that the Sioux Indians needlessly slaughtered a shitload of buffalo by herding them off cliffs?! SOMETIMES THEY KILLED A WHOLE HERD JUST TO EAT THEIR PLUMP, DELICIOUS TONGUES. Does that make you feel all warm and fuzzy you tree-hugging dummies? So what if the United States systematically exterminated American Indians in one of the most chilling--and overlooked--genocides the world has ever known? So what if "Indian" costumes indiscriminately mash together eight different tribes, they're all a bunch of carnivorous, gluttonous, hypocritical, beef-slaughtering jerks.
Oh, and Japanese geishas?! Femi-nazi kill-joys, this one's for you. In addition to being professional liars--aren't you man-hating bitches all about transparency?!--they also spend their days painting their whore faces with terrifying makeup in order to cajole coin from male businessmen.
I mean, gross. Who cares that it's an ancient art-form that bears the mark of centuries of complicated exploitation from prostitution to economic disparity?! They're hired harlots and the squeaky bamboo flute they play is like, really irritating.
Finally, let's talk about this whole, Dia De Los Muertos situation, shall we?! The Aztecs, Mayans and Toltecs--ancient civilizations hailing from Mexico and Central America--were "celebrating their dead" like thousands of years ago. You know what else these crazy bastards were doing?! HUMAN SACRIFICE TO APPEASE THE GODS. (Not me, THE GODS, which just takes the goddamn cake.)
So you tell me if it's in "bad taste" to scrawl a few flowers and skulls around town that mock a culture interested in bludgeoning children, criminals, and slaves willy-nilly-kins so some stupid crops would grow.
Yeah, okay, so maybe the U.S. has a crippling racism-cum-immigration problem that American society and the federal government have fucked up so deeply you have to tell strangers you're Canadian . . .
I AM LUCIFER. I'M A FALLEN ANGEL FOR CHRIST SAKE. YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Let's not let the real tragedy, nay, horror and grave misstep elude us -- this is damaging appropriation:
Oohhhhh, you think this is cheeky?! It's NO BIG DEAL?! It's like you're not even taking into account A VERY LONG AND SORDID HISTORY BETWEEN ME AND THE BIG G. It's like you're socio-culturally tone-deaf and it's terrifying to bear witness to. And I don't spook very easily.
So get your shit together and cut it out.
Instead of penning those oh-so-trite think pieces about the minuscule transgressions of "cultural appropriation," maybe just maybe we could all focus our seasonal efforts by worshipping at the altar of EVIL. I mean, for fuck sake, is that too much to ask?
Conversely, I'm interested in reading anything on Google's recent merger of Android and Chrome.
This piece originally appeared on The Establishment, a news+culture site run and funded by women.