Coal is so 1998.
Maybe you have a friend who's not exactly on the nice list this year, or perhaps you've even found yourself being a little naughty--it's all good!
There's something for everyone.
Because I'm here to help those that many (cough—St. Nick—cough) often turn their backs to, I've put together a little something that will give those on the naughty list something to look forward to this holiday season.
Just call me Dirty Santa.
THE PULSE III DUO by Hot Octopuss, $149
Hot Octopuss was the mastermind behind The Pulse III Solo, which was known as the world's first guybrater. Through proven medical research, the company created a device with an oscillation pad for him, helping a man achieve an intense orgasm through the pulse plate. However, the Pulse III Duo (pictured above) takes a step further by adding a vibration on the other side as well for the woman, taking foreplay into whole new territory.
So, this is ideally for couples. The guy can slip his beef rocket into the Pulse Duo while the woman straddles on top to feel the vibration for her pleasure. And ladies, don't be shy to just get this for yourself. You can straddle that thing without anyone underneath you and still enjoy all of it's glory. It literally took me 30 seconds to reach climax.
Yup. I'm serious.
THE QUEEN BEE by Hot Octopuss, $149
Now, the name alone called to me for obvious reasons, but this shower-head-looking device is everything a single lady will ever need. Screw diamonds, the Queen Bee is a girl's actual best friend. Again, Hot Octopuss took their Pulse Plate technology to create a vibrator for women that provides more of a deep rumble than the usual high vibration. It will change your life.
Depending on your mood, you can use the gentle massage side or go full throttle with the deep pulse plate to achieve orgasm. It also features 6 different vibration patterns and is totally waterproof. You can take it with you in the shower, bath, or even the Jacuzzi. How's that for a water toy?
BUZZ LIQUID VIBRATOR by Doc Johnson, $19.90
Doc Johnson, known for their American-made products, has the perfect stocking stuffer for you. A gel that vibrates?! What kind of sorcery is that?! Now, I'll admit, when I first became aware of BUZZ, I was super skeptical. So, the Doc Johnson rep had me put a little bit inside my bottom lip and wait 2 minutes.
The inner lower lip is a mucous membrane, the same type of membrane as the clitoris. When you rub it onto the inner lower lip, your mouth will start to salivate immediately, and after a full two minutes, you'll feel that 'harmonic' vibration.
Let me tell you, I wasn't sure I could even talk! That vibration was crazy.
Now, this product, which is made of all natural ingredients (the main ingredient is Zanthoxylum Alatum, which is a high-end extract of the prickly pear), is obviously meant to be used further south as lube for intensified sexy time, whether it's with a partner or solo. Heck, throw it on for shits and giggles to add a little BUZZ to your day!
TRYST by Doc Johnson, $113.42
If you think this looks like a wishbone, it's because it'll make your wishes come true. The revolutionary TRYST Multi Erogenous Zone Massager, was designed with both men and women in mind, so you can have some fun time solo or with your partner. The male can wear TRYST around the penis as a solo vibrator or partner pleasing c-ring, or use the firm but flexible arms to stimulate the clitoris and nipples.
TRYST, which was chosen as Cosmopolitan's Sex Toy of the month in June 2016, includes three powerful motors, seven mind- blowing massage patterns, and separate arm and base controls. It even comes with a manual of 12 suggested uses!
APHRODISIAC WARMING OIL by Shunga, $17
You know I love me some multipurpose products. This aphrodisiac warming oil by Shunga gets hot to the touch for some steamy massages, but the best part is it's totally edible! I got myself the Caramel Kisses (there are currently 10 flavors) and believe me when I tell you that I have to stop myself from just snacking on this stuff.
It tastes great and the tingle from just a breath (!) makes any physical touch that much more pleasurable. It's perfect for use on erogenous zones and heightens the senses. Perhaps a blindfold may be necessary, too?
This post was originally published on The Problem With Dating.