(Phone rings) National Enquirer, here. If it bites, we write. If it shrieks, we leak. If it smells, we yell.
Uh, hi. I have a story that you guys should write.
OK. Hillary Adopts Bill's Alien Love Child? Elvis-Worshipping Tribe Found in Jungle? Brangelina Double Sex Change Surgery? GOP Considers Bigfoot Nomination? Severed Leg Hops to Hospital? Name it.
Uh, sex scandal. Ted Cruz.
OK, lay it on me.
I think Ted had a mistresses.
Not even worth printing.
How about two?
You are wasting my time, Bud.
OK, five, but no more. I have my principles.
All right, I can run with five. Do any of them have reptile parts or are demented clowns?
I don't think so.
You're making this tough on me. What's your source?
Uh, me. I used to advise Donald Trump.
Good creds, although I didn't think he took advice. So, who are these women?
Just say a hooker, a teacher, a circus performer, a kosher butcher, and Lindsey Graham.
Lindsey Graham is a man.
Seriously? Oh, OK. Make that two hookers. We're safe with that.
OK, heavy up on the hookers. Do you have any proof?
Yeah, that's what people used to have back in the Dark Ages. I felt I had to ask. OK, where did you hear this?
Uh, I'm not sure. Did I have to hear it somewhere?
It would help.
OK, say Donald Trump. Ah, no, bad idea. How about just quoting me in the article.
We can do that, since you are sort of famous. Anything else? I'm a busy guy. I'm working on a piece about the tiny pope found living in the pope's hat.
Yeah, it's seriously what I'm working on. In today's world, all you have to do is put something out there. Doesn't much matter what it is, it will stick.
You guys are amazing. I'm really proud that you all endorsed Mr Trump for president.
We are, too. He's the man who lives the high ideals the National Enquirer is known for.
I just have one question. Is the GOP really considering Bigfoot?
What do you think?
I better tell Mr Trump. We can probably dig up some dirt on him, too.
Great. Call me when you have something.