Now I lay me down to sleep...except for, I am still awake.
Awake thinking of the many things I meant to do, but couldn’t get done today.
Awake thinking of the things I said that I second guess—
In my mind, I go over these conversations with my child and wonder if something could have been said differently or if perhaps, there was something I might have missed in her words.
Or if perhaps, my strong love came through with each sentence, word and syllable
As she lays down to sleep,
I pray she doesn’t feel the difference between us and “them:”
As we walk our neighborhood on crisp days, she points to houses and says, “I want us to have our own home.”
As she lays down to sleep,
I hope she knows how amazing, creative, smart, strong and bright her light already is.
I sit and hope.
Hope that each day in every way,
my child knows I love her.
I sit and hope for the parents who tell me when they hear I am a single mom:
“ I couldn’t do it,”
if they understand that parenting doesn’t come with an optional button.
If these parents know that for most of the times, we don’t choose to be single parents.
We just end up as them.
Now I try again to sleep—
and I can’t.
I’m thinking about the time I was sick this year. A few times.
I’m thinking that I am grateful for health. Grateful for work. Grateful for friends and family.
I ask for continued health. I ask for continued love.
I ask the Lord to keep—
saving my sanity.
That I remain the sane, strong and stable woman who wakes up, clocks in and checks in with her child each day.
That bills are paid— especially the medical and legal bills— and that like today, tomorrow I am still employed.
I ask the Lord to keep—
me happy.
Because a happy single mom makes for a happy child.
I ask the Lord to keep her happy.
To let her have every opportunity even if sometimes, the money is not enough.
I ask the Lord to bring her
someone she and I can trust, rely on and care for.
Someone she can call, “Stepdad.”
Someone I can call lover but most importantly,
Friend.
I ask for angels or good vibrations to watch me
as each morning, I hustle through the morning routine.
Her to school, me to work.
Did I rush too much? Did I get in enough hugs?
Did I remember to pack everything for school?
I ask for guidance to know what to
do, say and choose...
for me and for her.
For us.
I ask for guidance to pay those student loans, health insurance, medical bills, legal bills, rent, utilities
and the list expands until I am almost at rest.
Almost.
Until I remember that I had a great idea and need to write it down, and in my moment of “alone time,” I know if I don’t write it...I will forget it.
I ask for the people like friends and family to know how much I appreciate the help and love.
Even though asking for help sometimes literally kills parts of me.
I ask for the people who have helped to know that one day,
I will help them.
When I can.
I ask for people who make that sorry face when they hear I’m not married,
to not make that sorry face anymore.
To be happy I am happy, and to hope that some day I can say— I found that right guy.
Hopefully a long time before I am buried in the ground.
I ask for more opportunities for my career, for my girl.
That no stone is left unturned.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a single mom, a tired mom
and wake another day.
Just as strong. Just as bright.
Just as loved.
Both of us.
Together.
Amen.