A Sneak Peek at Obama's Speech to Schoolchildren

On September 8th, President Obama will speak to American schoolchildren. I got a look at an early draft...

"Dear children of America:

Study hard. Take lots of tests. Obey your teachers. Don't watch television. Don't play video games. Education is your responsibility. Eat lots of vegetables. Be bipartisan. Always be bipartisan.

The good thing about the endless assault of standardized language arts and arithmetic tests you endure is that you won't learn anything about history, civics or politics. That clears the way for my friends to use charter legislation to privatize public schools, suspend democracy via mayoral control, bust unions and have you spend each school day in a "race-to-the-top" competition designed to crush the hopes and dreams of schoolchildren in Finland. Before you know it, the sort of voters who attended public school won't give such schemes a second thought.

Most Americans can't even spell, Afghanistan. [shake your head in disgust as if you were mumbling, lousy public schools]

To California students, I say,... 'Sure, your state spends less on your education than most other states and California is broke. That means you'll just have to work harder in those fifty year-old trailers they call classrooms or bungalows. Bungalow - that's a terrific vocabulary word.

Your teachers just don't love you enough to allow their paychecks to be dependent on how well you do bubbling in those silly tests. Everyone acts as if there are State laws or legal contracts to abide by. No excuses, I say!

Also, two big thumbs up to the Los Angeles Unified School District for their ingenious plan to abandon 250 public schools!'

Students of America, you can learn a lot about excellence in schooling by admiring the education my kids receive - from afar of course. Their school is run by Quakers. If you attend an American public school, particularly in urban settings, yours is run by the testing Taliban.

Before you know it, every great American school district will be led by inexperienced political hacks. In America, unqualified is the new qualified!

My education advisers are top notch. Coach Duncan likes to call them, 'the dream team.' You can't get any better than Newt Gingrich, Al Sharpton, a bunch of billionaires, an ex-director of AIG and and a former basketball player for the Launceston Ocelots!

Ocelot, another great vocabulary word. The ocelot lived in a bungalow.

By the way, Arne Duncan and I are going to connect jumper cables to your teacher's private parts if your test scores don't improve.

You thought you were done with No Child Left Behind? Think again suckas!"