Mr. Right on a Singles Site

I'm very lucky. I have a beautiful wife and a nice life up here in the hills of Los Angeles. It wasn't always like that. I tried the singles scene in a bar one particular night in Hollywood, and I couldn't get into it. The bar, that is. I wasn't dressed properly. I was wearing a button-down shirt and a nice pair of slacks. Too proper, I guess.

I sulked home that night, signed up for one of those singles websites, did the profile, pushed the submit button, and hoped for the best. The best didn't come on that website. I wonder why:

Single and Ready to Mingle: Who's Lookin' for Love?

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Let's see: I like going for walks on a moonlit beach; sharing wine while snuggling in front of a roaring fireplace, and can't 'cha just puke if you read that one more time on a profile? I swear, I'm putting myself to sleep just writing it. Okay, I'm gonna spice this up a bit:

So here I am on this singles site because it beats going to bars where I get a headache from the noise and talking to people whose every other word is "kewl", "awesome!!" or "whateverrrrr." I'm fearful of blind dates and find there are more flakes out here than in a winter blizzard back east. Okay, that doesn't apply to everyone I've met in LA. Just, well, a lot of 'em.

I'm a native New Yorker without the accent, even though I lived on Long Island before residing in Manhattan for 18 years. Well, there might be some words that would lead you to believe I'm from back dere, but no more den dat -- I swear on my grandmuddah's grave.

So okay, here are some tasty tidbits for you to nibble on:

I like going to the opera, as it allows me to catch up on my sleep.

I don't mind hiking, if I don't have to walk that far.

I don't mind camping, as long as there are nice restaurants and showers nearby.

I believe in safe sex... I have a smoke alarm above my bed and a fire extinguisher beside it.

What I'm not looking for: a woman who has more baggage than a Louis Vuitton store.

Sorry for the interruptus there. Back to my likes and more marvelous morsels:

I like to sit on the couch in my underwear and watch ball games while yelling at the TV.

I like working out for something like 4-5 hours a day followed by staring at myself in the mirror for another hour.

I enjoy talking about medical conditions over dinner.

I only go to church when I'm feeling guilty, which is rare.

I could have been a genius if I was graded more fairly in school.

Favorite hot spot? Her G-spot. (When I can find the frickin' thing!) Oh c'mon now.. That's funny!

Well, dat's it for now. Gotta go get my bagel and cawfee before I tawk on da phone wit a fella New Yawka 'bout some bidness. Huh? (gasp) There I go, soundin' like a New Yawka! Uh oh... Betta go brush up on my Berlitz lessons!

Call now... Operators are standing by.