A Spoonful of Pessimism

At the beginning of the week, the world tends to look like a hateful, Hobbes-ian place. Full of darkness and cobwebs. People stealing candy from babies. That sort of thing. It's enough to make you want to take 30 ZzzQuil* and not wake up until Friday.

But of course maybe you're not a curmudgeon, like I am. Maybe you think your week is going to be awesome. That you'll have small successes at work, fun times with your loved ones, and that your fellow humans will continue to surprise you with their humility and kindness. Guess what? You're going to spill coffee on yourself this morning and the whole week is going to resemble the coffee stain. You're not better than the rest of us.

Still not convinced? Here's some proof that the world is a dumpster filled with leftover meatloaf:

  • Broken air-conditioners
  • The common cold
  • Babies on airplanes
  • Misusing "their," "there," and "they're"
  • Bug bites
  • People who don't pick up after their dogs
  • Frosted tips
  • Spam emails
  • Paper cuts
  • Pop quizzes
  • People who don't like chocolate
  • Overdue library books**
  • Lemon popsicles
  • Warts
  • People who don't cover their mouth when they cough
  • Miller Lite***
  • Spelling things "Lite" instead of "Light"
  • Ferrets
  • Vegan brownies
  • Showers with low water pressure
  • Leaky pens
  • The National Enquirer
  • Drinkable yogurt
  • When lions catch a baby antelope on the Discovery Channel
  • Spiders
  • Spilling coffee on yourself
  • Butt-dialing
  • People who misspell your name in response to an email in which you've spelled your name correctly
  • Cat shows
  • Waking up with drool on your pillow
  • Green tea
  • Stubbing your toe
  • People who dot the letter "i" with hearts
  • Red satin sheets
  • Sweat stains
  • Forgetting to attach a document to an email that specifically mentions an attachment
  • The SATs
  • Accidentally putting sour milk on your cereal

It's important to be realistic about the wasteland we inhabit. Because it's not even a fun wasteland, like The Who sang about. If we're feeling really pessimistic, we can give up on civilization entirely and move into international waters. Pull a Clonaid.

Who's with me?

*The most bogus medicine known to mankind. Except that weird prescription that helps you grow longer eyelashes.

**Yes, I am aware that I am the only person who still checks books out of the library. But it does stink to high heaven when they're overdue.

***Because it tastes like pee and because they don't want women to have the right to choose. Double whammy.