My dad, Pete Toscano, with a trunk of bread to give to the needy and friends.
Donald vs. Hillary : Tale of Two Voters
I can’t say for sure, but I imagine if he were alive today, my dad would have voted for Donald Trump. His background and experiences fit into the profile of the typical Trump voter—a Republican working-class guy. He was a welder and construction worker until he started a small business, a restaurant with my mom. Growing up in a NY Italian-American Roman Catholic family, he dropped out of school long before graduation to work with his father delivering coal, an early 20th Century job long gone. He fought in the Korean War as a US Marine, and all his life proudly identified as a Marine until he died four years ago. His Marine buddies took turns standing respectfully on guard by his coffin.
I am the very type of person who voted for Hillary Clinton, which I did. The media might paint me as one of the smug elites—a peace-loving, college-educated Quaker concerned with social justice and climate change. Like many other gay men in America I married my husband during the Obama Administration when marriage equality became legal for all.
“He is a sensitive boy...” Me, age 3
A Sensitive Boy and an Insensitive Man?
When I was a boy, I must have seemed like an alien child to my dad—bookish, shy, and not at all masculine. The code phrase for someone like me in the 70’s was, “He’s sensitive.” What does that mean for guys like dad who worked with his hands, was outgoing, and manly? Insensitive? No, that doesn’t fit my dad at all.
He was the guy who showed up at everyone’s funeral, sharing his condolences and whatever practical help the survivors needed. “I can come and mow your lawn; just say the word.” He was never insensitive towards me, but as a kid I feared that if he knew I was gay, he would reject me.
As a teenager in the early 1980s, I saw the world shift around me. Ronald Reagan came to power amidst a growing presence of vocal preachers who raised all sorts of alarms about gays in America. As a teen, I suddenly believed I would only be valuable to the world, the church, and perhaps even my parents if I were heterosexual and masculine. For 17 years I attempted to fit the round peg of my gay self into the square hole of a straight life. In order to destroy the gay part of me, I dived deep into the world of gay conversion therapy, a practice strongly endorsed by Vice President-elect Mike Pence. I assumed my dad would love me more if I were straight.
You Can’t Make a Fish Fly
I misjudged my dad. As the years went on, and I grew more and more frustrated, self-hating, and depressed because of the dangerous and foolish gay reparative therapy treatments, my dad became concerned for me. When I finally broke through the fear and shame and accepted the reality that I was gay, my dad reacted with his typical humor and warmth, “Ah, that’s alright son; you can’t make a fish fly.” He then became one of my greatest supporters and attended our wedding five months before he died. A family friend once told me about an event when my dad was with his Marine buddies. Someone was cracking a series of gay jokes. My dad jumped in, “Knock it off guys, my son is gay, and he is a great kid.”
Now we have a new Republican president and the world has shifted again. There are concerns that rights for gays and others will be rolled back, marriage equality overturned, and destructive gay conversion therapy once again offered as a viable option—consequences to me and my friends that my dad may not have realized if he had voted for Donald Trump. I wonder how the negative messages and uncertainty are affecting gay kids and transgender people.
Message to Parents of LGBTQ Children in a time of Donald Trump
So I have a message for parents with kids who are transgender, lesbian, bisexual, gay, and gender non-binary/genderqueer. Don’t assume your child knows you love and accept them. Tell them. Tell them many times. Let them know you have their backs. They need you.
I believe parents have the power to bless or to curse.