Some clarity is necessary.
Last month, I shared my story about sexual harassment at TED. This is a follow-up that should serve as a response to the support and criticism since The Washington Post article and my HuffPost piece went live.
I have been overwhelmed with a range of emotions - from gratitude to guilt - a range likely due to the polarizing nature of my story. The TED director that harassed me was (and still is) well-loved. He's very funny, and he’s helped countless people. In a weird way, my situation reminds me of the time Bill Cosby was first accused. It's hard to believe that somebody so likable, so funny, and so impactful could be anything other than what they design for you to see.
When I told my story, people excused the behavior of the TED director that harassed me. They claimed it was humor. One woman, a long time TEDster, said on Facebook:
"There’s no official notice when one’s brand, once screamingly successful and in hysterical demand, becomes politically problematic...[The TED director's] transgressional humor was the most popular and anticipated finale of the TED Conferences when I first attended over a decade ago (before TED talks were made public)...[He] and everybody else must adjust (and atone) accordingly. Sad day."
I want to be very clear. Until it became a personal problem, I thought the director that harassed me was funny. To this day, many people think he is the funniest person alive. However, when humor harms, it's no longer humor.
The Facebook comment went on to say, "I never thought you could feel diminished or made less-than by someone making a joke about your attractiveness." I need to clarify: It had nothing to do with someone joking about my attractiveness. This had to do with continued, graphic, and wildly inappropriate sexual harassment.
TED’s Former Director of Distribution
Allow me to share a story that may provide a helpful comparison. If nothing else, it may help us make a reasonable judgement about what happened to me at TED.
A few days after my HuffPost piece went live, the former Director of Distribution at TED wrote to me. He asked how what had been done to me was any different than what I had done to him.
Here's some backstory. Years ago, I developed a drag character named Dianne Winkler. I often hosted TED's company-wide meetings, called All Hands, as Dianne. On one of those occasions, I introduced the then Director of Distribution as Double D. I may have said something like, "We don't call you that just because of your distribution work." It’s important to note that his name also started with D. The innuendo was obvious, intentional, and I was wrong to make the joke.
Immediately after the All Hands, the former Director of Distribution emailed me and told me how uncomfortable I had made him. I apologized and vowed never to make those kinds of jokes in the workplace again.
<< I'm thankful the former Director of Distribution confronted me. If he hadn't, I may still be making what I considered harmless comments. Today, I am keenly aware that our intentions are often what hurts people the most. It's best to think of a different joke or to avoid commenting altogether. Since my time at TED, I've figured out why I made those jokes in the first place, and while I've certainly slipped, I trained myself to stop thinking that way. I opened myself to a world of positive, funny, workplace appropriate, human affirming banter that doesn’t teeter on the edge of misconduct. >>
That said, there are a few differences in what had been done to me and what I had done to TED's former Director of Distribution.
- First of all, I was a junior level employee that made a sophomoric mistake. I made the innuendo as a fictional character - a drag queen nonetheless - and by that standard, it wasn’t outrageous. Yet I still course corrected and never made a comment like that again knowing that I made someone uncomfortable in the workplace. The TED director that harassed me was my superior, and he admittedly used his position to mask multiple misuses of his power. If a person is acting in ignorance, they can be confronted and asked to course correct their behavior. In those situations, it's easy to forgive and forget. However, when a person is acting willfully and in the full knowledge that their actions are inappropriate, it's harder to move on.
- Secondly, on multiple occasions and through appropriate channels, I complained about the TED director that harassed me. To my knowledge, the problem was never handled, and it was a major reason I decided to leave TED. When you tell your story to the people empowered to make a difference, and nothing happens, it's alarming. What I did to the former Director of Distribution was a mistake I never made again. What was done to me by the TED director that harassed me was a reoccurring problem that could have been stopped before I tendered my resignation. The double standard is that an innuendo made in public caused a director to say stop, but when I brought concerns of repeated behavior, TED management shrugged its shoulders.
- Lastly, while I won't excuse or defend any behavior that objectifies another person, there is a huge difference between an innuendo and a graphic sexual comment. Again, I shouldn't have called the former Director of Distribution "Double D." I suppose I was drawing on the wit of Dolly Parton (an isnpriation for Diane Winkler's banter). It backfired, and I embarrassed someone. I am sorry. But what the TED director that harassed me said was not witty. His comments were not innuendos. They were detailed, graphic, and shocking. The comments included mentions of my penis, the things my boyfriend at the time liked to do in bed, the things that the director would like to do to other people, and the things that the director would like to see other people do with each other. This is the kind of "Trump locker-room" talk that so many are willing to excuse, but it's never okay.
In his initial message, the former Director of Distribution said, "It's on video in case you want to look back. I personally don't plan to do anything with the video..." I have no ego in this war against workplace misconduct. I am interested in the best way to move forward. It's wrong to hurt people - especially when you know you're doing it. I will never threaten anyone. The former Director of Distribution, the director who harassed me, Chris Anderson - nobody deserves to be threatened. This is an opportunity for all of us to grow and learn and change.
The former Director of Distribution went on to say:
"I believe the damage done to [the director that harassed you] as a result of this situation will mean that certain individuals who could have become TED Fellows will never be discovered or nurtured, and as a result, their contributions (perhaps cures for diseases, solutions to poverty, etc.) will not come to pass. I truly believe that is the collateral damage here at a time when the world has become terribly destructive. Perhaps it is about forgiveness at this point, Jordan. Just as I accepted your apology, I am hoping you'll publicly accept [his] apology in a public way that will give TED the runway to invite [the director that harassed you] to lead again. You've made your point and change is inevitable. At the same time, the world needs [the director that harassed you] in ways we cannot possibly understand yet."
As I mentioned in my HuffPost piece, I reached out multiple times to the TED director that harassed me. I apologized, and I have forgiven him. I haven’t heard from the TED director that harassed me since I left TED back in 2014.
I also find the former Director of Distribution's comments to me to be representative of the way directors behaved during my time at TED. More generally, this is the reason so many people do not share their stories. Nobody is exempt - powerful, rich, smart, impactful, generous people are guilty of sexual misconduct. We must tell the stories so that it stops happening. My heart goes out to all those that have been bullied after sharing their stories of sexual harassment or assault.
One more thing. The people who are TED Fellows are shaping the world into a better place. They are changing the future and advancing the fields of science, technology, art, healthcare, and more. I have no doubt that, regardless of who TED selects to be its director, incredible individuals will continue to graduate the TED Fellows program or other fellowships offered around the world. My story is in no way a poor reflection of the accomplishments of the TED Fellows or an indication that I do not believe in their impressive body of work. They are, simply stated, some of the coolest people I know doing some of the coolest stuff in the world.
What now?
On Decebmer 21st, Chris Anderson emailed me. He stated that my story resulted in some level of action. The director that harassed me "voluntarily took a leave of absence while we revisited the matter internally. Since then, we have concluded that he will work with a coach to address his issues. The management team here is confident [he] is totally committed to this process."
The director that harassed me is going back to work at TED. It's not my place to divulge what those plans are, but I hope that TED will make some public announcements about what is going on. I did give some unsolicited advice to TED's management team:
- This is about more than the director that harassed me. Don't use this public incident as a scapegoat for all the problems TED is facing. Solve this, and then solve the next thing. Then the next. Don't let yourself or your organization off so easily. Continue the tough conversations with your executive staff and with junior level employees.
- Be transparent about the culture of TED. What is it that TED’s management team wants for TED? What is it that you've heard from the TED staff? How can you all work together to make these changes? The public wants organizational leadership to be vulnerable and transparent. We are tired of the Uber CEO’s and the Apple-iPhone fiascos. Be real with us.
- The executive staff needs to be more visible and vocal. You all need to be champions for your staff. Don't be "the man behind the curtain." Get into the weeds and let your team know that you're concerned, that you're relatable, and that you're committed to a solution to all the issues TED is facing. Communicate openly about this with the team and with the larger TED community. Maybe you can even use the TED community to crowdsource the best path forward for the organization. Now is the time.
In my opinion, the director that harassed me shouldn't return to TED. The way TED manages this situation will determine the way its staff, the larger TED community, and the general public relates to TED from now on. TED is either the organization that took a stand or the one that didn't. So far, TED has been the one that didn't.
Sharing your story is hard. It comes with lots of doubt, regret, and guilt. But, our voices are the only thing that achieves change. I encourage all of you to share any stories you have about sexual harassment. There is power in personal narrative. Our stories make a difference.
Thank you to everyone that has sent a note of encouragement and support. It means so much! I'm ready for 2018. I hope that we can all work towards being better people together.