To: Botzan Addogomas, Vulbavgan Galaxy Commander
From: Zavra Flagmatag, Earth Mission Leader
Via: Cosmail at speed of light cubed
Three days ago I landed on Earth in a gated community in Seattle named Broadmoor. Earth harbors a form semi-intelligent life called humans. Frighteningly lower forms of life have enslaved these humans.
Humans serve one master, a form of plant life, they call “Grass.” Grass forces humans to grow, feed, groom, care for, and maintain it. Moreover, grass demands that humans murder all of grass’ enemies. In return, Grass does noting for humans. They cannot eat it, sell it or turn it into anything useful.
Religion may explain how grass managed to enslave a more intelligent life form. High status humans perform a daily ritual of rebellion against grass followed ceremonial submission. Forming groups called foursomes, humans violently strike sacred fields of grass, often tearing up large portions. After this symbolic release, the humans then perform a rite of subjugation by repairing and replanting grass. Every morning, a group of low status humans repair, nourish and groom these sacred fields of grass.
Dogs, another form of lower intelligence beings, have suppressed most humans. At their own expense, humans are forced to provide dogs with food, shelter, grooming, exercise and hygiene. Twice a day, the Dog masters compel humans to perform a degrading spectacle of subservience. Tethered to the dog and following behind at a respectful four feet, humans must wait for the dog to defecate and then pick up their masters’ excrement.
Dogs do nothing for their human slaves. The Dogs neither pay, nor feed nor house their human servants.
Perhaps Dogs and Grass possess a supernatural power that I do not yet understand. Therefore, I advise that you abort the mission and land no more Vulbavganians on the planet Earth. The danger and consequences of contamination are too horrible to contemplate. Humans are only slightly less intelligent than Dishons and Echobi, our lowest castes of indentured servants, who perform society’s most odious chores including sewer cleaning, refuse collection, dish washing and litigation.
If somehow Dogs and Grass were introduced into hospitable planets like Jittania V or Tamirari they might be able to enslave our lowers castes, triggering the caste rebellion nightmare we have always feared.