A Woman Lost

USA, Utah, Salt Lake City, Portrait of young woman looking away
USA, Utah, Salt Lake City, Portrait of young woman looking away

I said I wasn't going to do it. I just knew that I could keep it together. I thought to myself, "I snap back right after I have them." I look like i'm about 17 years old, I'll always have that look of being young and sexy. I didn't even start trying to enhance my beauty until I was around 24 years old. My enhancement consisted of eye shadow, eyeliner and mascara. I felt like my natural beauty was enough, and I didn't want to overdo it!

Then I got a man, got engaged, got pregnant, bought a house and got married! The engagement, was two years ago. I started to feel like, well I don't want to be too sexy with a new man in my life. So away I did with all of my eye makeup. I took all of my income taxes to put towards the down payment on my home, so there was my money to buy appealing and sexy clothes and keep my wardrobe up-to-date. Then I had my baby and thought, "I'll lose this weight in a few months like I did with my other two children." Didn't happen! So there I was dealing with a newborn, planning a wedding and this wedding was an additional financial burden.

I did my own hair for the wedding, and I did my own makeup. I couldn't afford to pay someone for those little things. The guy who took the wedding pictures didn't edit anything. So after the wedding there I am staring at what should be, beautiful pictures, and I'm seeing pimples, smudges of makeup around my eyes, the makeup that covered the tattoo on my chest was on my dress, my hair stuck out in the back, and my belly was huge from giving birth a month and a half prior. Each one of those flaws stuck out to me like a sore thumb. I begin to question my beauty, my sexuality and my confidence level. I went back to work from my maternity leave looking like a mother. Not to mention two weeks before returning to work I was rushed to hospital for severe pain in my chest area. I was told I needed immediate gall bladder removal surgery three days after getting married. Imagine trying to carry a wiggly newborn with a sore aching belly!

Then my husband and I decided that I would stop working and work whole heartedly on Can We Talk? Inc, a nonprofit organization. So there was my drive to get my "sexy back", straight into the trash. I no longer felt the reason to dress up, to do my hair or to keep my appearance fresh and sexy. Sweatpants, t-shirts, ponytails and ashy hands became my new fashion statement. Then I had my miscarriage, two weeks before our one year wedding anniversary. That was a huge slap in the face and a gigantic heartbreak. I felt like I couldn't carry my baby because my womanly insides, had been torn and lost. I hadn't even had a visit from mother nature since giving birth, so I knew it was my fault the baby passed away. If that wasn't bad enough, the baby didn't come out on its own. It had to be forced out by a miscarriage pill because it set inside of me dead for two weeks. By the time the PRC had it completely figured out, I was nine weeks along.

To see a baby that should have been growing and kicking around in your stomach, dead, was a blow to my life. I knew it was early, but the baby was still a part of me. It hurt me; it hurt my husband; it hurt us. The whole two years of our relationship has been so tough and hard to adjust to. I've lost myself in the midst of all the drama, trauma and pain. I don't feel sexy, I don't look sexy, I'm to the point where I just don't care, I want to care, I try to care, but I just can't. No, I'm not depressed, I'm just tired. I'm tired when I wake up and when I go to bed. I pray every night and morning for energy, for ambition and drive, but I can't seem to follow through with the effort of it all.

I know that my self-esteem decline interferes with me and my husband's intimacy. I know I don't feel attractive and that's why I'm not attracted. So I will continue to pray that I rediscover myself, that I rediscover my femininity, and that I gain the motivation to make myself feel and look beautiful again. This thing called marriage, commitment, motherhood, adulthood, is one of the hardest topics i'm learning. I'm learning my way so that I don't continue to be lost! I think to myself I am an adult now, wow.